If unicorns existed

If unicorns existed

If unicorns existed

One of my friends is a big fan of unicorns: the fun, the sparkles, the glitter, the rainbows. She wishes she had her own unicorn to ride to work. Stuck in traffic? How about stuck in traffic on a unicorn. Start seeing motorcycles? How about start seeing unicorns. Got a case of the Mondays? How about a case of the unicorns.

But I still try to convince her that it is better that unicorns stay mythological and don’t exist in real life. Unicorns have a perfect image the way it is. If we had unicorns in real life, it would just tarnish that image and make us worse off.

Unicorns would make terrible pets. A lot of people have pet cats and think they’re cute, but complain about the small scratches. If you think scratches are bad, try being gored by a unicorn. It’s fun to feed horses apples and carrots by hand. But with unicorns, you can’t feed them by hand without a high risk of losing an eye or getting impaled. You’d need to get an eight-foot long unicorn feeding stick. We would become a nation of people with eyepatches. The lack of depth perception would hurt professionalism in the workplace when no one is able to land a handshake.

If unicorns existed, people would breed donkeys and unicorns to get unicorn mules or mule-icorns. Mule-icorns would besmirch the magical image of unicorns. They don’t exactly look like something that would come prancing down a rainbow and if you ever did get one on a rainbow, they would probably not go anywhere and be really stubborn.

Little girls can be exhausting when they say, “I want a pony, I want a pony.” But if they start saying, “I want a unicorn, daddy,” we would sympathize with them. How can you deny someone a unicorn? What is this, Oliver Twist?

I don’t know why people think unicorns would be so approachable. I plead with my friend that horns change everything. Cows are approachable, but put some horns on that cow and you get a bull and it is no longer approachable. Rhinos might eat plants, but they are not friendly. Pigs might be cute and fun to carry, but boars, I don’t think so. Deer without antlers can be at a petting zoo, but good luck trying to convince someone to pet a twelve point buck.

People have learned not to mess with horned animals. But common sense doesn’t stand a chance once people get a look of that unicorn.

Pet unicorns

Pet unicorns

Leaving money to your pets

Leaving money to your pets

Leaving money to your pets

People who are single sometimes leave money to their pets in their will. Unfortunately if you leave money in your will to your pet, the potential heirs always challenge your mental state, saying that you were not of sound mind when you made the request of “fluffy gets half of everything.”

The law views pets as property, so if you plan on leaving property to property, legal people think you are crazy.

Example: “I want my coffee pot to have my Mallrats DVD.” = crazy

I think more people would leave money to their pets in their will, but don’t because they don’t want other people talking about whether or not they were crazy after they die. It is hard to have a good funeral for yourself when the people in the congregation are splitting time between thinking about fond memories of you and thinking of any memories that prove that you were mentally insane.

That is messed up. If you leave $3,000 to your pet when you die, your sanity is reviewed and you can be determined to be mentally unsound. But if in your estate you leave: a baby toupee, your ex-wife’s wedding dress, and a UFO detector to people, no one will ever review your sanity after death and you are determined to be sound as a pound.

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