Jello is not a dessert

Jello has trouble fitting in with desserts.

Jello has trouble fitting in with desserts.

I was at a work potluck where everyone brought a dish. I went to the dessert table and to my horror the cookies were gone and there were only two types of Jello dishes left.

Jello is not a dessert. When is the last time you were in a restaurant and ordered Jello?

Customer: What is the Jello of the day?
Waiter: Red
Customer: mmm.. that sounds good, I will have that!

Jello is food for people who don’t have a choice what they eat, so people in hospitals and prisons. If I was incarcerated for breaking the law I would be ok with eating Jello because I am paying for my actions.

But if I am a law abiding citizen or haven’t been caught, I shouldn’t have to eat Jello.

Small kids like it because they don’t know about the world. They think living on the moon is a good idea.

You know the Great Depression was tough, because people came out of it thinking Jello was a real treat. Nobody came out of the Great Recession thinking Jello was a treat.

People with Dentures like Jello because it is easy to chew, it is the exact opposite of corn.

Jello is good for weight loss. I can bake a dozen cookies and eat them in an hour. But Jello takes five hours to make, set, and eat. I much prefer Jello’s five hour binge eating fuse over cookies’ one hour fuse. It gives me more time to change my mind or get caught.

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The all natural organic food movement is really bad for Willy Wonka’s candy business. It’s hard to market your candy as all natural when it comes out of a giant factory with huge smoke stacks and all of the factory workers are discolored midgets.

The public story is that the Oompa Loompas came from Loompaland, which is a region of Loompa in the Pacific Ocean. But the real story is that the Oompa Loompas are just people from Brooklyn who found out that some side effects do last forever.

There is no way that Willy Wonka’s candy is all natural: three-course-dinner gum that turns you into a giant grape, fizzy-lifting drinks, and the gobstoppers that never run out of flavor.

In order for Willy Wonka to make candy that has those effects; the candy has to be loaded with so many chemicals, additives, and preservatives; that they make hot dogs look like they are freshly grown.

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