Bees going extinct

Bees Endangered Species

Bees Endangered Species


Seven species of bees were added to the endangered species list last year.

That sucks, now if a bee stings me I can’t kill it unless I want to risk paying a $50,000 fine or spend a year in jail for killing an endangered species.

If I am spending a year in jail for killing an endangered species, I want it to be a truly epic encounter like being cornered by a Bengal Tiger or turf dispute with a Snow Leopard. I don’t want it to be some bee landing on my arm in the backyard.

I am planting flowers to help stop bees from going extinct, because of all the food we will lose when bees go away asparagus isn’t one of them. Living in a future where I have to eat more servings of asparagus in a given decade is not acceptable.

McDonald’s “Pay with Lovin'” Campaign

McDonald's pay with lovin'

McDonald’s pay with lovin’

McDonald’s has a February marketing campaign “Pay with Lovin’” where McDonald’s customers can win the prize of a free meal if they do a random act of kindness.

I can’t wait until the McDonald’s campaign backfires.

Eventually they are going to come across someone who is a 50 year old orphan.

McDonald’s employee: The price of your meal is to tell your mother you love her.

Orphan 1: I was an orphan, I don’t have a mom.

McDonald’s employee: Ok the price of your meal is to call your girlfriend of wife and tell them you are thankful for them

Orphan 1: I am divorced.

McDonald’s employee: Ok the price of your meal is to tell the person behind you they are great

Orphan 1: You are great.

Homophobic Customer: Don’t ever talk to me again.

Eating gold

Gold leaves on food

Gold leaves on food

A lot of the world’s most expensive dishes: $1,000 bagel, $25,000 sundae, $4,200 pizza have edible gold leafs on them. One hotel in the United Arab Emirates fed 11 pounds of gold to its guests in 2008.

I want to know, where are they getting the gold for all those edible gold leafs?

I am pretty sure that the gold comes from old melted down wedding rings.

What is so fancy about eating old melted down wedding rings? That thing was rubbing against someone’s dirty finger for two to 35 years, and was on every time they went to the bathroom or gutted a fish.

Some people claim that eating gold had mystical or medicinal properties. That doesn’t make any sense. If there are benefits from eating gold, why don’t people just eat the wedding rings instead of flattening them out into gold flakes? If you eat a wedding ring: then you can poke through your poop later with a stick, find the ring, wash it off, and keep eating it over and over, to increase the mystical powers received.

If these ultra fancy restaurants would use gold as a garnish with the meal like parsley, it wouldn’t be so bad. The guest would have a nice little gold decoration on their plate to enjoy and take home. But that doesn’t happen. When the super rich order the most expensive dish on the menu, if the gold on that dish isn’t in an easily consumable form, it’s getting sent back to the chef until it is.

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The all natural organic food movement is really bad for Willy Wonka’s candy business. It’s hard to market your candy as all natural when it comes out of a giant factory with huge smoke stacks and all of the factory workers are discolored midgets.

The public story is that the Oompa Loompas came from Loompaland, which is a region of Loompa in the Pacific Ocean. But the real story is that the Oompa Loompas are just people from Brooklyn who found out that some side effects do last forever.

There is no way that Willy Wonka’s candy is all natural: three-course-dinner gum that turns you into a giant grape, fizzy-lifting drinks, and the gobstoppers that never run out of flavor.

In order for Willy Wonka to make candy that has those effects; the candy has to be loaded with so many chemicals, additives, and preservatives; that they make hot dogs look like they are freshly grown.

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