The reality of vampires

Entering your home, Vampires vs. Jehovah’s Witnesses

Entering your home, Vampires vs. Jehovah’s Witnesses

People watch Twilight and True Blood and they think that vampires are cool, hot, and suave. 

Vampires are nothing like that, vampires are just old people.  If you think your grandparents were stingy because they lived through the great depression, vampires on average have lived through four depressions.  If a vampire ever takes you out to dinner; don’t order a meal over ten dollars, unless you want to completely stop the conversation and get dirty looks for the rest of the night.  Vampires don’t like to spend money on food because they don’t work.  All they do is sleep all day long.   They just leech off the rest of us and suck us dry.            

Vampires are also boring to talk to.  All they talk about is blood, talk about a one-track mind.  I usually can only take about 14 minutes of that, before I suddenly become late for a dental appointment.  

You know how Jehovah Witnesses show up to your door and try to convert you.  Vampires are just like that.  All they care about is turning you.  Fortunately with vampires, they have to ask you before they can enter your house.  Jehovah Witnesses can just barge right in. 

Movies and books hold vampires to such a high standard, they always shown them wearing fine Italian clothing and living in extravagant mansions.  People never think about a vampire and visualize them shopping at Wal-Mart or renting a one bedroom apartment, but that is actually closer to the truth; because it’s hard holding down a job when you’re a vampire.  Not only do you have to work the night shift, but everyone at your job always thinks your high with your red eyes. 

Vampire: “I am not high, vampires genetically have red eyes. Actually it’s more of a curse than genetics.  But I mean come on, curse, genetics… it’s the same thing.  Are you going to tell me someone with attached ear lobes isn’t cursed?”

Vampire families are totally dysfunctional.  We might have issues with siblings, parents, or step parents, but at least we are related.  Vampire families are made up of totally random people they decided to bite (or turn) over the years.  Vampires don’t have blood relatives like you and me.  They just say they have blood relatives because they like puns.    

Our “human” family disputes aren’t so bad when you think about it, because humans only live about 90 years. Vampires live a long time, maybe forever.  Would you rather have a fight with your mom for 40 years or 400 years?

A vampire’s apartment

A vampire’s apartment

Blood-sucking aliens in the movies

Aliens after human blood

Aliens after human blood

I think it is stupid when I see movies where aliens want to drink and collect human blood.  In the movies, aliens fly halfway across the galaxy in a cramped space ship; all because they want human blood.  There is no way that aliens would go to such great lengths to get human blood. 

I have seen four movies where aliens steal blood from people.  And in each movie the aliens never test the blood before they use it to see if it is safe to use or not.  That is crazy!  Blood is dangerous, people have: hepatitis, infections, diseases, and tattoos.    

It’s like these aliens haven’t discovered biology yet.  They can travel across galaxies, build laser guns, and translate any language.  But they don’t bother to stop and check to see if a person’s blood is safe to use or not.

The Food and Drug Administration protects people from bad food in the United States.  Don’t these aliens have a Food and Drug Administration that tells them the dangers of collecting and consuming human blood and tells aliens the precautions that need to be taken when dealing with human blood? 

Advanced three-fingered aliens

Angry aliens with three fingers

Angry aliens with three fingers

There are a lot of movies that show aliens having three fingers.  That doesn’t make any sense, aliens are supposed to be evolved millions of years beyond us.  What is so evolved about having only three fingers?  Just imagine a three-fingered alien trying to type on a keyboard; it can’t even cover the home row.

I understand why so many aliens want to destroy the Earth.  Aliens land here and see us playing saxophones and flutes; and they get jealous because they can’t play those instruments.  If you think guitar hero is difficult on hard mode for a five-fingered person, just imagine what is like for a three-fingered alien. 

Evolved aliens aren’t superior to humans in every way.

Evolved aliens aren’t superior to humans in every way.

Aliens also have trouble with sign language.  It’s hard to develop an effective sign language when you only have three fingers on each hand.  Aliens are lucky if they can make good baseball hand signals, let alone sign with their hands.  That’s why so many aliens are telepathic.  Millions of years ago aliens were signing to each other and thought screw it, signing with three fingers is about as effective as communicating to humans through crop circles.

Horror and technology

In the movie Pulse, ghosts attack and haunt people through computers and cell phones. That doesn’t make any sense? How are these ghosts getting Internet access?  Are there public access computer labs in the netherworld where ghosts can send out haunting emails and keep abreast in new technologies? 

That must be a very crowded place.  Ghosts never have to eat or sleep, so there is nothing to stop spirits from hogging computer lab time.  If there isn’t internet access in the netherworld, then I assume ghosts would have to go to the living world to get internet access.  That would be one strange conversation.

Scene – (A ghost shows up at the door of a Guy’s House.)
Ghost:  Hey, can I use your computer really quick?
Resident:  For what?
Ghost:  Oh I need to haunt some kids

Resident: What are you some kind of sick freak?
Ghost:  I am not sick, I’m dead.  Do you see how I don’t have a body and have red glowing eyes.
Resident: Why don’t you just go to their house and haunt them in person?
Ghost:  Ahh… I don’t know the people very well; I thought an email would be less intrusive.
Resident:   …No
Ghost: Well, I will be on your porch if you  
(door slames)
Ghost:  Change your mind… Hey, I wonder if the library is open today.

There is always a certain amount of uncertainty when you receive an email from a ghost.  You never know how many other people the ghost sent that email to or you never know if the ghost is haunting just you or other people too.  If the email says, “I am going to get you on the 25th -the ghost.”  You can’t tell if that email was sent to you or half the town.  If you get those generic emails in your inbox, just chuck them.  Because more likely than not, they are spam.  However, if you get an email that says, “Dear Sam Fredrickson I am going to get you on the 25th because you made fun of me in gym on December 13th last year. – the ghost.”  Then you know that is a legitimate email that needs to be addressed.

All experienced ghosts agree that it is much better to haunt someone in person or in their dreams that electronically.  But if you are being haunted in your dreams it is still not a guarantee that you are the only one who the ghost is haunting. 

Scene – (Students eating lunch in a school cafeteria.)

Gill: Freddy was in my dream last night, he said I was going to be the first one he gets
Jenny:  What?  That hussie told me I was going to be the first one he gets.
Frank:  I think he got Scott last night.
Jenny:  Scott?  Since when does Scott see Freddy in his dreams?

Horror and technology

Horror and technology

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