Anti-Valentine’s Day

Anti-Valentine's Day idea

Anti-Valentine’s Day idea

I usually take part in Anti-Valentine’s Day activities on February 14th. Some of my favorite Anti-Valentine’s Day activities include:

1. Watching divorce court.
2. Instead of exchanging flowers, I give cactuses to people I don’t like.
3. I go dog shopping, because they will never leave me… and if they do.. I WILL CALL THREE DOG POUNDS AND FOUR ANIMAL SHELTERS AND TRACK THEM DOWN!!
4. I don’t buy anything red or pink during the week of Valentine’s Day. Sorry strawberries and Smart Ones TV dinners you will have to wait a week.

I wish Anti-Valentine’s day didn’t fall on February 14th. It’s hard for me to schedule an Anti-Valentine’s Day get together because everyone has Valentine’s Day plans. If Anti-Valentine’s day was in May, I think the holiday would get a lot more exposure and it would help people get into the Anti-Valentine’s Day spirit.

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore.  I used to believe that Santa Claus lived at the North Pole and that he brings gifts to millions of kids around the world on Christmas. 

Now that I am older, I know what Santa Claus really is; a lobbyist for the coal industry.

Every year millions of kids receive coal for Christmas.  Those kids would not have purchased or received coal if it weren’t for Santa.  Through Christmas, Santa Claus has increased the world consumption of coal by 78 percent.  I am not saying that Santa Claus was invented by the coal industry to sell coal.  That’s just crazy.  But, I do think that Santa Clause is deep in the coal industry’s pocket.   

How else do you think Santa Claus is able to afford working only one night a year and support his expensive hobby of reindeer breeding? 

Over the years, Santa Clause has made coal a common household item, through subliminal advertising and tricky marketing gimmicks, of placing presents and coal together.

There is no reason for Santa Claus to give kids coal for Christmas.  Not only is coal a nonrenewable natural resource, but it increases the carbon dioxide concentrations in our atmosphere. 

I don’t know why Santa doesn’t give naughty kids bottles of ethanol for Christmas instead of coal.  Both coal and ethanol suck as gifts.  But, at least ethanol is a renewable resource. 

Ethanol vs. Coal

Ethanol vs. Coal

Halloween and pumpkin patches

Amount of pumpkin patches lost each year.

Amount of pumpkin patches lost each year.

Every year people participate in that late October tradition… the slaughtering of the pumpkin species for Halloween.  Every year people gather pumpkins they don’t plan to eat, cut out their innards, and display their flaming corpse for all to see.  People take slaughtering pumpkins so seriously that they have knives made specially for cutting pumpkins.  When people are done carving their pumpkins for Halloween, they either eat the pumpkin seeds or throw them away in a garbage bags to ensure that they will never grow into a new pumpkin.   

Every year for Halloween people cut down an area of pumpkin patches equal to the size of Rode Island.  The loss of those pumpkins patches decreases the overall oxygen supply on earth and drives dozens of species to the verge of extinction that are dependent on the pumpkin patches’ nutrients and shelter.  Some people believe that pumpkin populations are safe and that people are doing a good job preserving the pumpkin species. 

But let me ask you this.  When was the last time you saw a wild pumpkin growing in the wild? 

The pumpkin version of deforestation.

The pumpkin version of deforestation.

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