I like things that taste like pumpkin as long as it is not pumpkin

Pumpkin flavored items

Pumpkin flavored items

Fall is great because you get to try all those pumpkin flavored items. But it must suck for the true pumpkin fans because they have to deal with all the pumpkin posers. Pumpkin posers love pumpkin flavored: beer, coffee, cookies and can’t seem to get enough of them.

But try to give them a can of pumpkin and they vanish. Pumpkin posers love pumpkin, but only when they are at a safe distance away from actually eating pumpkin. Pumpkin posers basically set up gated communities that only let pumpkin flavors in and keep all the canned pumpkin filling and pumpkin puree out.

I love that canned pumpkin brands brag about how their product contains 100 percent pure pumpkin. It is actually cheaper for the business to sell pumpkin filling that is 100 percent pure pumpkin. Pumpkin is basically the cheapest thing they can put in the can.

Many companies sell canned pumpkin that is 100 percent pure pumpkin. But they don’t advertise that on the can because that would decrease pumpkin sales. They don’t want to call more attention to pumpkin nature of their product.

Customer: “Wait, I am buying pumpkin!?! What am I doing?!?”

Most people would probably prefer to buy pumpkin filling that is only 90 percent pure pumpkin. That way they would think, “thank gosh it‘s only 90 percent pumpkin.”

Jello is not a dessert

Jello has trouble fitting in with desserts.

Jello has trouble fitting in with desserts.

I was at a work potluck where everyone brought a dish. I went to the dessert table and to my horror the cookies were gone and there were only two types of Jello dishes left.

Jello is not a dessert. When is the last time you were in a restaurant and ordered Jello?

Customer: What is the Jello of the day?
Waiter: Red
Customer: mmm.. that sounds good, I will have that!

Jello is food for people who don’t have a choice what they eat, so people in hospitals and prisons. If I was incarcerated for breaking the law I would be ok with eating Jello because I am paying for my actions.

But if I am a law abiding citizen or haven’t been caught, I shouldn’t have to eat Jello.

Small kids like it because they don’t know about the world. They think living on the moon is a good idea.

You know the Great Depression was tough, because people came out of it thinking Jello was a real treat. Nobody came out of the Great Recession thinking Jello was a treat.

People with Dentures like Jello because it is easy to chew, it is the exact opposite of corn.

Jello is good for weight loss. I can bake a dozen cookies and eat them in an hour. But Jello takes five hours to make, set, and eat. I much prefer Jello’s five hour binge eating fuse over cookies’ one hour fuse. It gives me more time to change my mind or get caught.

Why McDonalds Happy Meal toys suck

Why happy meal toys aren't cool anymore.

Why happy meal toys arent cool anymore.


Do you ever wonder why you don’t see commercials for Happy Meal toys anymore? That is because today Happy Meal toys suck! Happy Meal toys used to be one of the best parts about being a kid. Today, however, in reaction to numerous lawsuits and child safety movements; McDonalds has decided to make their toys safer. There are no longer cool happy meal toys like: cars that shoot out sparks or robots that launch rockets.

Today you are lucky if you get a toy cow in your Happy Meal. Because if you did get a toy cow, it will only be a couple of months until McDonalds took that toy cow off the market, under fears that kids will choke on the toy or get seizures from the cow’s crazy color patterns.

The last toy that McDonalds will include in a Happy Meal before the Happy Meal toy is discontinued will be a white plastic ball, because that is the toy that is the least susceptible to lawsuits. A plastic box is almost as safe as a plastic sphere, but the box has all of those pointy corners.

Safer happy meal toys actually injure more people than safe ones.  Those extra-safe happy meal toys keep kids safe when they are young.  But when the kids grow up, they aren’t as equipped for dealing with the dangerous things in the real world.  Sure those unsafe happy meal toys of the past resulted in a few cuts, burnt hands, and poked out a few eyes.  But the kids who survived were smarter, tougher, and stronger.  People need to realize that they can’t have it both ways.  Either the happy meal toys hurt us, or the real world hurts us.

It is predicted that in the year 2050, the addition personal injuries caused by kids not playing with dangerous happy meal toys and therefore not learning to be cautious when dealing with the real world will cost society $102 billion dollars a year through increased personal injuries.

The government should step in and fix the problem by issuing cap guns and cars that shoot sparks to every kid in the nation.

Food products and their one-sided food descriptions

Food products and their one-sided food descriptions

Food products and their one-sided food descriptions

A lot of people feel good when they read the nutritional information on the back of their food products: “Unleashes the power of Avocados”, “Helps reduce the Risk of cancer”, “All natural with no added ingredients.”  These phrases sound nice and can really give your day a boost.  However, when you read the benefits of eating a certain food product, you have to bear in mind.  That out of the thousands of things the company could have said about their product; those were the best.

I think it should be federal law that if a company advertises the advantages of eating their product on the back of the box, that they should also have to include the disadvantages of eating their product.  Examples of some disadvantages of eating some foods are: “Hinders Growth”, “May cause puking”, “Product is a by-product”, “If you eat more than five servings of product within a 24 hour period please consult a physician.”    If the bad and the good information are both included on the back of the box; then it will help people better gauge the cost benefit relationship of buying the food product.  “It’s $2.89, increases my eyesight, but animals experienced side effects during testing.”   “It’s $3.74, has 135 percent of my daily required Vitamin C per serving, but it says it may cause dizziness.” 

If companies don’t want to include the disadvantages of eating their product with the advantages, then I think it is fair that companies only included mediocre or neutral information on the back of the box like: “Contains Food”, “Food transported by truck”, or “Food”.


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