Getting rid of tipping

If we stopped tipping in restaurants

If we stopped tipping in restaurants

Lots of people want to get rid of tipping in restaurants because they think it will result in better service or be better for society.

Abolishing tipping is a bad idea. Tipping is one of the few times that people do math. We can’t abolish tipping, we need tipping just to maintain our basic math skills. The US ranks 26th in the world in math. If we get rid of tipping in restaurants, we are going to slip down further.

Tipping also plays an important role in dating. Dating is tough. But if we find out that our date is a bad tipper, it becomes infinitely easier. Why would we want to get rid of our ability to sniff out and banish bad tippers? That information is more useful than anything you could find out about them on facebook, in a background check, or in their garbage can.

Only a bad tipper would bring up getting rid of tipping. I am a bad tipper. But for the sake of society and a better world, I want to preserve tipping and accept the backlash I receive.

Skyrim, animal furs, and PETA

Skyrim, animal fur, PETA

Skyrim, animal fur, PETA

In the game Skyrim, characters can only get bland colored clothing. There are no purple, blue, or red cloth because there is no clothing dye. The only way to accent your character’s gear is to use animal furs and skins.

I am not an animal rights activist, but that just isn’t fair to the animals. There are nine kingdoms in Skyrim. None of them specialize in dye? Can’t they find another way to jazz up their outfits without using animal skins? Aren’t there any designer labels or bags they can use to make their character stand out?

I love that the wizards in Skyrim can cast fireballs and lightning bolts, but when it comes to using magic to change the colors of clothes, that is impossible and against the principles of magic. They can close a dimensional gate, but can’t make a brown shirt purple.

Eating gold

Gold leaves on food

Gold leaves on food

A lot of the world’s most expensive dishes: $1,000 bagel, $25,000 sundae, $4,200 pizza have edible gold leafs on them. One hotel in the United Arab Emirates fed 11 pounds of gold to its guests in 2008.

I want to know, where are they getting the gold for all those edible gold leafs?

I am pretty sure that the gold comes from old melted down wedding rings.

What is so fancy about eating old melted down wedding rings? That thing was rubbing against someone’s dirty finger for two to 35 years, and was on every time they went to the bathroom or gutted a fish.

Some people claim that eating gold had mystical or medicinal properties. That doesn’t make any sense. If there are benefits from eating gold, why don’t people just eat the wedding rings instead of flattening them out into gold flakes? If you eat a wedding ring: then you can poke through your poop later with a stick, find the ring, wash it off, and keep eating it over and over, to increase the mystical powers received.

If these ultra fancy restaurants would use gold as a garnish with the meal like parsley, it wouldn’t be so bad. The guest would have a nice little gold decoration on their plate to enjoy and take home. But that doesn’t happen. When the super rich order the most expensive dish on the menu, if the gold on that dish isn’t in an easily consumable form, it’s getting sent back to the chef until it is.

$15 minimum wage for fast food employees

Fast food $15 wage debate

Fast food $15 wage debate

A lot of fast food employees are going on strike because they want to be paid $15 dollars an hour or something closer to a living wage.

I love that millions of people support higher wages for McDonald’s employees, but not one person is willing to start tipping them. I have not seen one person even bring up the possibility of tipping fast food employees. TV pundits won’t even touch it. They will talk about racial tension, torture, and scandals, but tipping fast food employees is outside of their comfort zone. And then there are millions of people that are determined that doubling an employees hourly wage is the only thing that can be done to solve the employees’ standard of living problem.

Of course if fast food employees did make $15 an hour… they wouldn’t get an employee discount. If you give fast food employees $15 dollars an hour and a 15 percent employee discount, you are going to have a gigantic shift in the labor force of people flocking to the fast food sector, which would cripple dozens of American industries in the process.

Flipping houses for hippies

Hippie home improvements

Hippie home improvements

There are a lot of well to do hippies out there who don’t have the time or the energy to do home improvements.

That is why one of my business ideas is to flip houses for hippies.

Usually when people flip homes, they remodel kitchens, change floors or repaint walls.

You don’t want to do that when you are flipping homes for hippies.

Instead you are going to want to add compost bins, guest huts, water barrel systems, home structures made out of reused materials, and monitor the curb appeal so the yard has good protest sign potential.

Unfortunately, because hippies take their gardens very seriously, the most nerve wracking part of the home sale is the soil test. If the soil test results come back and the pH is off, they are walking; even if the house has great drum acoustics. But if the soil tests come back good, you are in; even if the house has plumbing issues.

Salaries of government employees posted online

Government transparency

Government transparency

I am a government employee and because of government transparency, there are many websites online that give information on how much money I make a year.

That sucks that my pay is posted online.

There are certain times when I want to embellish my income a little.

If I am on a date or discussing my career with some successful people from my high school, I always give myself a healthy raise and increase my job title by two.

When I commit the perfect crime of salary and job title exaggeration I want my targets to toss and turn at night at the unfairness that has been bestowed upon me.

I don’t want to commit the perfect crime and then 45 seconds later one of my targets pulls up my salary on their iPhone and they tell me that my healthy raise doesn’t match up with the pay reported on the website, and that I am actually an assistant and not a supervisor… That is one of the downsides of the public sector.

I couldn’t get one night! You couldn’t give me one night!!!

Rich people getting married

Wealthy family wedding etiquette.

Wealthy family wedding etiquette.

One of my buddies is getting married and he is loaded. So no matter what I give him as a wedding present; it won’t be up to his standard of living and will just be a nice gesture in his eyes. I don’t want to give my buddy a nice gesture for his wedding. I am not buying him a waffle iron just so he can activate the good gesture part of his brain and get a warm and fuzzy feeling.

But at least I am not part of his wedding party. I don’t think I would fit in at the Groom’s dinner.

Dad: “Hey did you guys hear the joke about the Faberge egg and the butler who was mistaken for a boat hand.”

Rich Person 1: “We need to stop global warming, if our sea levels rise eight feet, thousands of Islands will disappear. We need to protect this planet’s supply of private islands. Because if it isn’t a private island, what’s the point?”

Rich Person 2: “I know what you are going through.”

Me: “Really?”

Rich Person 2: “No I have no idea what you are going through, those things don’t happen to people with money. I am as clueless as the guy who asked my doorman if he could bring his car around… does he have any idea what a doorman does?”


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