I don’t think my buddy would share his Powerball winnings with me.

Social acceptance of Powerball tickets

Social acceptance of Powerball tickets

I like it when the Powerball is over 700 million dollars. Because when it’s that high, it’s socially acceptable to buy Powerball tickets. When the Powerball is at 100 million dollars, tickets are viewed as malt liquor. But when the jackpot is over 700 million, tickets are viewed as a Cabernet Franc from Bordeaux.

I told eight of my closest friends if I won the Powerball jackpot I would give them each a million dollars. They said they would give me a million dollars if they won too.

I said, “Forget that, I don’t trust ya, I need that in writing.”

Once you talk about sharing Powerball winnings, you’re basically business partners in a startup. There’s millions of dollars coming in, rapid expansion, fancy furniture, people whispering into each other’s ear. I don’t want to have one Powerball business completely destroy a relationship.

So to avoid tensions down the road I drafted vaguely valid bilateral contracts spelling out the buddy sharing schedule for the improbable contingency of a won jackpot.

But for the buddies that irritate me, I make sure that those contracts are signed at 3 a.m., in international waters, when we are drunk. That way the contract has a chance of being voidable and there’s a little wiggle room if needed.

Dinosaur park owners have no business sense

Jurassic Park without carnivores.

Jurassic Park without carnivores.

I hate Jurassic Park movies, they are always full of plot holes. The people who own the dinosaur parks always have no business sense.

They always build these big expensive parks, the parks get overrun by carnivores, and they close it down.

Stop making carnivores! Learn from your mistakes! Don’t make things that eat people. That should be their mission statement. “We don’t make things that eat people.”

People will pay money to see a stegosaurs or a brontosaurus. They don’t even need an island full of dinosaurs. They only need one dinosaur, people will pay to see one dinosaur. And if one dinosaur breaks out, that is a very manageable situation, you place down a couple of cones and grab some nets.

Why do these parks even clone velociraptors or T-Rex? Is the potential twenty percent increase in profits that comes with having carnivores worth the exponentially increased risk that everything is going to fall apart horribly? Making money off dino predators has the same track record as trying to sell limited edition Winnie-the-Pooh collector plates for three times their “market” value ten years in the future. At least with the dino investment your pain is over quickly. With the Winnie-the-Pooh collector plates, you are going to live with that mistake for the rest of your life.

Team Swift issues cease and desist to Etsy sellers

Taylor Swift Etsy

Taylor Swift Etsy

Etsy store owners were selling Taylor Swift themed products. So Taylor Swift’s legal team sent them cease and desist letters because they claimed those Etsy items violated Taylor Swift trademarks.

I’d definitely want to start an Etsy store now and sell Swift themed products. A cease and desist letter is the ultimate Swift collectible. It’s basically the only way I’d ever get Tay Tay to send me a letter.

You could be the president of the local Minneapolis fan club and you would only accomplish getting junk mail from her inconsistently.

I would be angry if I made and sold a bunch of Taylor Swift mugs and purses on Etsy and didn’t get a cease and desist letter. “What the heck, that’s not fair! All those other people got one. I just did all of this for nothin’.”

McDonald’s “Pay with Lovin'” Campaign

McDonald's pay with lovin'

McDonald’s pay with lovin’

McDonald’s has a February marketing campaign “Pay with Lovin’” where McDonald’s customers can win the prize of a free meal if they do a random act of kindness.

I can’t wait until the McDonald’s campaign backfires.

Eventually they are going to come across someone who is a 50 year old orphan.

McDonald’s employee: The price of your meal is to tell your mother you love her.

Orphan 1: I was an orphan, I don’t have a mom.

McDonald’s employee: Ok the price of your meal is to call your girlfriend of wife and tell them you are thankful for them

Orphan 1: I am divorced.

McDonald’s employee: Ok the price of your meal is to tell the person behind you they are great

Orphan 1: You are great.

Homophobic Customer: Don’t ever talk to me again.

Oreos are a great investment

People will always need Oreos

People will always need Oreos

I have had basically no success investing in the stock market. But having a position in Nabisco in your portfolio just makes a lot of sense to me. Tech companies come and go, but Nabisco will be around for thousands of years because of Oreo. People might not always need Google, but they will always need Oreos.

When I look for a potential investment advisor I always make sure to slyly ask them what they think about investing in Nabisco. If their answer in anything less than recommending a portfolio with a twenty percent position in Nabisco, I walk.

Unfortunately I fear Oreos might be mankind’s downfall because it will bring the aliens down upon us. They will attack us to protect their cookie brands because they fear Oreo would dominate the galactic cookie market and run their cookie brands out of business.

Getting rid of tipping

If we stopped tipping in restaurants

If we stopped tipping in restaurants

Lots of people want to get rid of tipping in restaurants because they think it will result in better service or be better for society.

Abolishing tipping is a bad idea. Tipping is one of the few times that people do math. We can’t abolish tipping, we need tipping just to maintain our basic math skills. The US ranks 26th in the world in math. If we get rid of tipping in restaurants, we are going to slip down further.

Tipping also plays an important role in dating. Dating is tough. But if we find out that our date is a bad tipper, it becomes infinitely easier. Why would we want to get rid of our ability to sniff out and banish bad tippers? That information is more useful than anything you could find out about them on facebook, in a background check, or in their garbage can.

Only a bad tipper would bring up getting rid of tipping. I am a bad tipper. But for the sake of society and a better world, I want to preserve tipping and accept the backlash I receive.

Eating gold

Gold leaves on food

Gold leaves on food

A lot of the world’s most expensive dishes: $1,000 bagel, $25,000 sundae, $4,200 pizza have edible gold leafs on them. One hotel in the United Arab Emirates fed 11 pounds of gold to its guests in 2008.

I want to know, where are they getting the gold for all those edible gold leafs?

I am pretty sure that the gold comes from old melted down wedding rings.

What is so fancy about eating old melted down wedding rings? That thing was rubbing against someone’s dirty finger for two to 35 years, and was on every time they went to the bathroom or gutted a fish.

Some people claim that eating gold had mystical or medicinal properties. That doesn’t make any sense. If there are benefits from eating gold, why don’t people just eat the wedding rings instead of flattening them out into gold flakes? If you eat a wedding ring: then you can poke through your poop later with a stick, find the ring, wash it off, and keep eating it over and over, to increase the mystical powers received.

If these ultra fancy restaurants would use gold as a garnish with the meal like parsley, it wouldn’t be so bad. The guest would have a nice little gold decoration on their plate to enjoy and take home. But that doesn’t happen. When the super rich order the most expensive dish on the menu, if the gold on that dish isn’t in an easily consumable form, it’s getting sent back to the chef until it is.


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