If unicorns existed

If unicorns existed

If unicorns existed

One of my friends is a big fan of unicorns: the fun, the sparkles, the glitter, the rainbows. She wishes she had her own unicorn to ride to work. Stuck in traffic? How about stuck in traffic on a unicorn. Start seeing motorcycles? How about start seeing unicorns. Got a case of the Mondays? How about a case of the unicorns.

But I still try to convince her that it is better that unicorns stay mythological and don’t exist in real life. Unicorns have a perfect image the way it is. If we had unicorns in real life, it would just tarnish that image and make us worse off.

Unicorns would make terrible pets. A lot of people have pet cats and think they’re cute, but complain about the small scratches. If you think scratches are bad, try being gored by a unicorn. It’s fun to feed horses apples and carrots by hand. But with unicorns, you can’t feed them by hand without a high risk of losing an eye or getting impaled. You’d need to get an eight-foot long unicorn feeding stick. We would become a nation of people with eyepatches. The lack of depth perception would hurt professionalism in the workplace when no one is able to land a handshake.

If unicorns existed, people would breed donkeys and unicorns to get unicorn mules or mule-icorns. Mule-icorns would besmirch the magical image of unicorns. They don’t exactly look like something that would come prancing down a rainbow and if you ever did get one on a rainbow, they would probably not go anywhere and be really stubborn.

Little girls can be exhausting when they say, “I want a pony, I want a pony.” But if they start saying, “I want a unicorn, daddy,” we would sympathize with them. How can you deny someone a unicorn? What is this, Oliver Twist?

I don’t know why people think unicorns would be so approachable. I plead with my friend that horns change everything. Cows are approachable, but put some horns on that cow and you get a bull and it is no longer approachable. Rhinos might eat plants, but they are not friendly. Pigs might be cute and fun to carry, but boars, I don’t think so. Deer without antlers can be at a petting zoo, but good luck trying to convince someone to pet a twelve point buck.

People have learned not to mess with horned animals. But common sense doesn’t stand a chance once people get a look of that unicorn.

Pet unicorns

Pet unicorns

Annoying zoo animals

Annoying tropical birds

Annoying tropical birds

I don’t think that keeping animals in zoos is cruel. But I think it is cruel that at my local zoo they have tropical birds living in the mountain goat exhibit. That has got the suck for the mountain goats. Tropical birds are some of the most irritating animals in nature. They make one sound all day long: “Eh, Eh, Eh.” In the wild, mountain goats never had to deal with tropical birds. Now in the zoo, they have to listen to that “Eh, Eh, Eh” every single day.

Just imagine if you were in a human exhibit in an alien zoo and they put you in a cage with a bunch of Elvis impersonators. That would be insufferable. “Oh-wa Baby, Wa-ha-ha, and Thank you very much.” After living through that, you would know what the mountain goats are going through.

Mountain goats would probably rather live in a swamp enclosure with snakes than a rock enclosure with tropical birds.

I think we need to release tropical birds from zoos or move them into sound proof enclosures. Anything less would be animal cruelty.

Using endangered species to get revenge

Uses for endangered spider monkeys.

Uses for endangered spider monkeys.

If I ever wanted to get even with someone, I would just put a bunch of endangered North American possums on their front lawn and call the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). Because the Endangered Species Act basically says that if an endangered species is living on your front lawn, your front lawn now belongs to the animals.

Once the EPA catches wind of those endangered possums on my target’s property, I will get sweet revenge because the EPA will put a list of restrictions on his property.

For starters, he couldn’t move the possums off his yard because it isn’t his yard anymore. It is an endangered possum reserve. Secondly, he wouldn’t have free reign over his yard. No more BBQ’s or yard games, because you can’t do those things on a possum reserve.

If the possums ever left the property, the EPA would probably force my target to keep his property as a possum reserve for the next five years on the off chance that the endangered possums will return.

Leaving money to your pets

Leaving money to your pets

Leaving money to your pets

People who are single sometimes leave money to their pets in their will. Unfortunately if you leave money in your will to your pet, the potential heirs always challenge your mental state, saying that you were not of sound mind when you made the request of “fluffy gets half of everything.”

The law views pets as property, so if you plan on leaving property to property, legal people think you are crazy.

Example: “I want my coffee pot to have my Mallrats DVD.” = crazy

I think more people would leave money to their pets in their will, but don’t because they don’t want other people talking about whether or not they were crazy after they die. It is hard to have a good funeral for yourself when the people in the congregation are splitting time between thinking about fond memories of you and thinking of any memories that prove that you were mentally insane.

That is messed up. If you leave $3,000 to your pet when you die, your sanity is reviewed and you can be determined to be mentally unsound. But if in your estate you leave: a baby toupee, your ex-wife’s wedding dress, and a UFO detector to people, no one will ever review your sanity after death and you are determined to be sound as a pound.

The evolution of animals in landfills

Animals evolving in landfills

Animals evolving in landfills

I hope that evolution doesn’t exist.

I don’t want any new animal species evolving out of landfills.  I don’t want butterflies to develop wings which look like coke cans so they can better hide from predators.  I don’t want skunks in land fills evolving to be three times stinkier so they can scare away predators who are already used to stinky smells.

If animals evolved out of landfills, it would suck.

There would be all these new species false alarms where mutants are mistaken for new species.

Zoos would be less fun because they would add stinky landfill exhibits to help educate the public on earth’s new embarrassing species.

 

Paul the psychic octopus received death threats after his soccer world cup predictions became true.

Paul the psychic octopus received death threats after his soccer world cup predictions became true.

Paul the psychic octopus received death threats after his soccer world cup predictions became true.

Paul the psychic German octopus was 100% accurate in his prediction of the outcomes of eight world cup games in 2010.  However, when Germany won matches that the German octopus predicted Germany would win, fans from other countries got angry because they thought the octopus jinxed the matches.  The octopus has since received death threats,  from Non-Germans and Germans (the Octopus predicted that Germany would to lose to Spain).  Some of the death threats the octopus received include, people saying they want to turn Paul in sushi, “we want Paul for the pan’, “All you need is four normal potatoes, olive oil for taste, and a little pepper(from an Argentinean newspaper)”, “throw him in the shark tank”, people singing anti-octopus songs, and invitations for Paul to attend seafood festivals.        

That is so dumb, that is just like the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil getting death threats for predicting that there will be six more weeks of winter.  Punxsutawney Phil and Paul the octopus aren’t really predicting anything they are just walking around and people are interpreting what the animals are predicting.  It is not like the animals gave a written statement of their prediction or nodded their head when they hear what people said their prediction was.   

When PETA heard about the death threats they demanded that the psychic octopus be set free in protected ocean waters by the south of France where people don’t take soccer so seriously.  But that is dumb; first there are many predators in the ocean by the south of France including: barracudas, moray eels, and great white sharks.  I don’t know why someone would think that an octopus born and raised in captivity for two years could live longer in the wild than it could in captivity, even with captivity having crazy revenge seeking soccer fans running around. 

In captivity, the octopus has access to top quality veterinarians, who can treat a wide variety of aliments.  In the wild, Paul has no medical coverage.  And if Paul tried to get help from another octopus in the wild, the other octopus would probably try to eat him.    

Also Octopuses only live for about three years, and since Paul is already two years old, he really only has about a year left. 

Usually when something has one year to live it is terminally ill.  In an octopus’s case it is fit as a fiddle and has its good years ahead of him.

More cows than tigers, proof natural selection doesn’t work

Natural selection doesn't work

Natural selection doesn’t work

Natural selection does not work. Natural selection states that, “animals which are more fit survive and pass on their genes.” There are two billion cows on the planet and about 22,000 tigers, so cows outnumber tigers 90,000 to one. Cows haven’t shown me that they are better at surviving than tigers?

Tigers can’t be enclosed by a three foot fence and you will never see a group of tigers get herded by a dog. High school kids never tip over tigers at night. People also don’t put masks on the back of their heads to defend themselves against cows.

People mess up natural selection. We just farm, eat, or breed whatever we feel like. Look at toy dogs, like Pomeranians, Chihuahua, Shih Tzus. They wouldn’t last two minutes in the wild. Every toy dog is an endangered species waiting to happen.

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