Modern day sun worshippers

Worshipping the sun and getting a sun tan.

Worshipping the sun and getting a sun tan.

After seeing the movie Zeitgiest, I thought maybe it is time that I start worshiping the sun.  It is confusing though, because there are many ways to worship the sun, it is hard to know if I am doing it right. 

I was wondering, what are sun worshippers supposed to do about tanning?  Are sun worshippers supposed to tan constantly?  Are they not allowed to use sun block when they tan?  Is it sacrilegious to use tanning beds or tanning cream like bronze on? 

Vitamin D is a nutrient people get from the sun.  I was also confused about how sun worshippers treat Vitamin D.  Is it ok for sun worshippers to drink milk or consume foods that are fortified with Vitamin D?  Or are sun worshippers supposed to get all of their Vitamin D from the sun. 

I think tanning is a good way to show your devotion to the sun.  It can take months to build up a proper tan. That’s devotion you can’t fake… except with the tanning cream, that’s faking.

Worshipping the sun comparing now and then.

Worshipping the sun comparing now and then.

Worshipping the sun and using tanning beds.

Worshipping the sun and using tanning beds.

PDA: Public Display of Affection

PDA public display of affection

PDA public display of affection

I am sick of seeing couples with their PDA.  I feel bad enough already that I am not in a relationship.  Now these couples are going to rub it in my face to make me feel worse by showing me how organized and technologically savvy they are. 

It’s kind of hard for me to enjoy myself at the mall, when everywhere I turn, I see couples and their PDA’s or personal digital assistants.  I don’t want to see that.  When I go to the mall, I don’t want to see you scheduling meetings into your PDA.  I don’t want to see you both hunched over the PDA, searching through apps, and steaming up the screen with your busy schedule and extensive social connections; how about you show a little self control and waiting until you get home to do that stuff.  And I am not saying this because I am jealous because I only have a basic cell phone.

More cows than tigers, proof natural selection doesn’t work

Natural selection doesn't work

Natural selection doesn’t work

Natural selection does not work. Natural selection states that, “animals which are more fit survive and pass on their genes.” There are two billion cows on the planet and about 22,000 tigers, so cows outnumber tigers 90,000 to one. Cows haven’t shown me that they are better at surviving than tigers?

Tigers can’t be enclosed by a three foot fence and you will never see a group of tigers get herded by a dog. High school kids never tip over tigers at night. People also don’t put masks on the back of their heads to defend themselves against cows.

People mess up natural selection. We just farm, eat, or breed whatever we feel like. Look at toy dogs, like Pomeranians, Chihuahua, Shih Tzus. They wouldn’t last two minutes in the wild. Every toy dog is an endangered species waiting to happen.

Why do people leave around time capsules?

Nobody wants a time capsule.

Nobody wants a time capsule.

Why do people leave around time capsules for future generations?  People in the future aren’t going to want that junk.  You know people actually put floppy disks in time capsules.  What are people in the future supposed to do with that?  If someone left a note on a floppy disk and on a rock, the rock is actually a more relevant way to store data. 

Even if you put DVDs in time capsules, people in the future are still going to make fun of you.  Person from the future, “Look at this guy, he is using an information disk, man life was so primitive before information spheres.”

People put a lot of junk in time capsules.  If you don’t want stuff that’s fine, just throw it away.  But don’t bury the junk in your back yard.  People are usually pretty smart.  But, when people start thinking about time capsules; they don’t act rationally and revert to their basic instincts. 

In the year 2224, the Antique Roadshow will ban people from bringing time capsules on the show to be valued by the appraisers; because by then, time capsules from the 20th century will have been determined to be worthless for over twenty years. 

The only time capsules that people want to find, are the ones filled with money.  The Egyptians got this one right with the pyramids; instead of filling the pyramids with: musical lyrics, newspaper clippings, or personal pictures, they filled them with gold.  The Egyptians also had a better strategy of only putting part of the time capsule underground and then leaving a five hundred thousand square foot pyramid on top of it, to give people a better chance of finding it. 

People leaving around time capsules.

People leaving around time capsules.

Why employee theft is good

Employee theft and employee turnover

Employee theft and employee turnover

I don’t know why people are against employee theft.  Employee theft is good.  I would have left my job months ago, if it weren’t for the excellent employee theft opportunities as part of my overall compensation package. 

If an employee steals from his company or organization, that is then an incentive for the employee to work there longer.  That then decreases employee turnover for the company.  Sometimes the cost of replacing an employee can be two to three times the employee’s salary.  Employee theft saves companies billions of dollars every year with decreased employee turnover, increased productivity, and increased efficiency.

But it is difficult to promote employee theft at work.  You can’t just give your employees bonuses for stealing, because if employees have more money, they will be happier and have less of an incentive to steal.

The best way to promote employee theft is to treat your employees bad, pay them worse, and leave lots of large unprotected boxes out in the open.  But companies and organizations aren’t the only ones that benefit from employee theft; employees benefit too.  They have all this cool stuff lying around their homes.
           
*Warning:  Employee theft conflicts with good morals, and will probably result in termination and legal action.

The affect of flu shots on the immune system

Help fighting the flu.

Help fighting the flu.

Flu shots are bad for your immune system. They make it so that your immune system doesn’t have to work as hard to fight the flu. If you keep getting the flu shot over after over, your immune system gets weak, lazy, and out-of-shape because it never works hard.

Getting the flu shot is like giving your immune system their own personal butler.

Pretty soon your immune system groans when it gets out of a chairs, watches TV constantly, and is living in its own filth because it refuses to clean up its own bloodstream.

The affects of the flu shot.

The affects of the flu shot.

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The all natural organic food movement is really bad for Willy Wonka’s candy business. It’s hard to market your candy as all natural when it comes out of a giant factory with huge smoke stacks and all of the factory workers are discolored midgets.

The public story is that the Oompa Loompas came from Loompaland, which is a region of Loompa in the Pacific Ocean. But the real story is that the Oompa Loompas are just people from Brooklyn who found out that some side effects do last forever.

There is no way that Willy Wonka’s candy is all natural: three-course-dinner gum that turns you into a giant grape, fizzy-lifting drinks, and the gobstoppers that never run out of flavor.

In order for Willy Wonka to make candy that has those effects; the candy has to be loaded with so many chemicals, additives, and preservatives; that they make hot dogs look like they are freshly grown.

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