Kissing Dolphins

Dolphin kissing on vacation

Dolphin kissing on vacation

On my friend’s honeymoon, they signed up for a program where they get to kiss a dolphin.

I don’t know why a lot of people are into kissing dolphins. I’m guessing it would be a very one sided kiss. I’ve been in enough one sided kisses where I don’t get too excited at the prospect of another one.

People kiss dolphins on the nose, that doesn’t makes sense to me to me. Since they don’t know the dolphin that well, a cheek kiss seems more appropriate to me. But dolphin kissing appointments are around $150. So I guess people are trying to get their money’s worth and are going after that dolphin face buffet style.

I don’t think people should have to pay for dolphin kisses. They’re enough dolphins out there that you should be able to get a kiss for free if you try hard, apply yourself, and smile.

I don’t think my buddy would share his Powerball winnings with me.

Social acceptance of Powerball tickets

Social acceptance of Powerball tickets

I like it when the Powerball is over 700 million dollars. Because when it’s that high, it’s socially acceptable to buy Powerball tickets. When the Powerball is at 100 million dollars, tickets are viewed as malt liquor. But when the jackpot is over 700 million, tickets are viewed as a Cabernet Franc from Bordeaux.

I told eight of my closest friends if I won the Powerball jackpot I would give them each a million dollars. They said they would give me a million dollars if they won too.

I said, “Forget that, I don’t trust ya, I need that in writing.”

Once you talk about sharing Powerball winnings, you’re basically business partners in a startup. There’s millions of dollars coming in, rapid expansion, fancy furniture, people whispering into each other’s ear. I don’t want to have one Powerball business completely destroy a relationship.

So to avoid tensions down the road I drafted vaguely valid bilateral contracts spelling out the buddy sharing schedule for the improbable contingency of a won jackpot.

But for the buddies that irritate me, I make sure that those contracts are signed at 3 a.m., in international waters, when we are drunk. That way the contract has a chance of being voidable and there’s a little wiggle room if needed.

I like things that taste like pumpkin as long as it is not pumpkin

Pumpkin flavored items

Pumpkin flavored items

Fall is great because you get to try all those pumpkin flavored items. But it must suck for the true pumpkin fans because they have to deal with all the pumpkin posers. Pumpkin posers love pumpkin flavored: beer, coffee, cookies and can’t seem to get enough of them.

But try to give them a can of pumpkin and they vanish. Pumpkin posers love pumpkin, but only when they are at a safe distance away from actually eating pumpkin. Pumpkin posers basically set up gated communities that only let pumpkin flavors in and keep all the canned pumpkin filling and pumpkin puree out.

I love that canned pumpkin brands brag about how their product contains 100 percent pure pumpkin. It is actually cheaper for the business to sell pumpkin filling that is 100 percent pure pumpkin. Pumpkin is basically the cheapest thing they can put in the can.

Many companies sell canned pumpkin that is 100 percent pure pumpkin. But they don’t advertise that on the can because that would decrease pumpkin sales. They don’t want to call more attention to pumpkin nature of their product.

Customer: “Wait, I am buying pumpkin!?! What am I doing?!?”

Most people would probably prefer to buy pumpkin filling that is only 90 percent pure pumpkin. That way they would think, “thank gosh it‘s only 90 percent pumpkin.”

If unicorns existed

If unicorns existed

If unicorns existed

One of my friends is a big fan of unicorns: the fun, the sparkles, the glitter, the rainbows. She wishes she had her own unicorn to ride to work. Stuck in traffic? How about stuck in traffic on a unicorn. Start seeing motorcycles? How about start seeing unicorns. Got a case of the Mondays? How about a case of the unicorns.

But I still try to convince her that it is better that unicorns stay mythological and don’t exist in real life. Unicorns have a perfect image the way it is. If we had unicorns in real life, it would just tarnish that image and make us worse off.

Unicorns would make terrible pets. A lot of people have pet cats and think they’re cute, but complain about the small scratches. If you think scratches are bad, try being gored by a unicorn. It’s fun to feed horses apples and carrots by hand. But with unicorns, you can’t feed them by hand without a high risk of losing an eye or getting impaled. You’d need to get an eight-foot long unicorn feeding stick. We would become a nation of people with eyepatches. The lack of depth perception would hurt professionalism in the workplace when no one is able to land a handshake.

If unicorns existed, people would breed donkeys and unicorns to get unicorn mules or mule-icorns. Mule-icorns would besmirch the magical image of unicorns. They don’t exactly look like something that would come prancing down a rainbow and if you ever did get one on a rainbow, they would probably not go anywhere and be really stubborn.

Little girls can be exhausting when they say, “I want a pony, I want a pony.” But if they start saying, “I want a unicorn, daddy,” we would sympathize with them. How can you deny someone a unicorn? What is this, Oliver Twist?

I don’t know why people think unicorns would be so approachable. I plead with my friend that horns change everything. Cows are approachable, but put some horns on that cow and you get a bull and it is no longer approachable. Rhinos might eat plants, but they are not friendly. Pigs might be cute and fun to carry, but boars, I don’t think so. Deer without antlers can be at a petting zoo, but good luck trying to convince someone to pet a twelve point buck.

People have learned not to mess with horned animals. But common sense doesn’t stand a chance once people get a look of that unicorn.

Pet unicorns

Pet unicorns

Jello is not a dessert

Jello has trouble fitting in with desserts.

Jello has trouble fitting in with desserts.

I was at a work potluck where everyone brought a dish. I went to the dessert table and to my horror the cookies were gone and there were only two types of Jello dishes left.

Jello is not a dessert. When is the last time you were in a restaurant and ordered Jello?

Customer: What is the Jello of the day?
Waiter: Red
Customer: mmm.. that sounds good, I will have that!

Jello is food for people who don’t have a choice what they eat, so people in hospitals and prisons. If I was incarcerated for breaking the law I would be ok with eating Jello because I am paying for my actions.

But if I am a law abiding citizen or haven’t been caught, I shouldn’t have to eat Jello.

Small kids like it because they don’t know about the world. They think living on the moon is a good idea.

You know the Great Depression was tough, because people came out of it thinking Jello was a real treat. Nobody came out of the Great Recession thinking Jello was a treat.

People with Dentures like Jello because it is easy to chew, it is the exact opposite of corn.

Jello is good for weight loss. I can bake a dozen cookies and eat them in an hour. But Jello takes five hours to make, set, and eat. I much prefer Jello’s five hour binge eating fuse over cookies’ one hour fuse. It gives me more time to change my mind or get caught.

Dinosaur park owners have no business sense

Jurassic Park without carnivores.

Jurassic Park without carnivores.

I hate Jurassic Park movies, they are always full of plot holes. The people who own the dinosaur parks always have no business sense.

They always build these big expensive parks, the parks get overrun by carnivores, and they close it down.

Stop making carnivores! Learn from your mistakes! Don’t make things that eat people. That should be their mission statement. “We don’t make things that eat people.”

People will pay money to see a stegosaurs or a brontosaurus. They don’t even need an island full of dinosaurs. They only need one dinosaur, people will pay to see one dinosaur. And if one dinosaur breaks out, that is a very manageable situation, you place down a couple of cones and grab some nets.

Why do these parks even clone velociraptors or T-Rex? Is the potential twenty percent increase in profits that comes with having carnivores worth the exponentially increased risk that everything is going to fall apart horribly? Making money off dino predators has the same track record as trying to sell limited edition Winnie-the-Pooh collector plates for three times their “market” value ten years in the future. At least with the dino investment your pain is over quickly. With the Winnie-the-Pooh collector plates, you are going to live with that mistake for the rest of your life.

Team Swift issues cease and desist to Etsy sellers

Taylor Swift Etsy

Taylor Swift Etsy

Etsy store owners were selling Taylor Swift themed products. So Taylor Swift’s legal team sent them cease and desist letters because they claimed those Etsy items violated Taylor Swift trademarks.

I’d definitely want to start an Etsy store now and sell Swift themed products. A cease and desist letter is the ultimate Swift collectible. It’s basically the only way I’d ever get Tay Tay to send me a letter.

You could be the president of the local Minneapolis fan club and you would only accomplish getting junk mail from her inconsistently.

I would be angry if I made and sold a bunch of Taylor Swift mugs and purses on Etsy and didn’t get a cease and desist letter. “What the heck, that’s not fair! All those other people got one. I just did all of this for nothin’.”

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