Barack Obama’s presidential approval rating falls

September 1, 2010 2 Comments

People’s approval rating of Barack Obama.

People’s approval rating of Barack Obama.

People’s approval rating of everything in general

People’s approval rating of everything in general

When Barack Obama entered office he had a 68 percent approval rating.  It has gone down since then and on August 12, 2010 Obama’s approval rating dropped to 42 percent.

Some people see this and think that the public doesn’t think that Obama is doing a good job. 

But that is not true; most people think that Barack Obama is doing a good job.  People are just angrier and unhappier these days and their approval of everything has gone down.  Obama’s job approval rating has decreased since he has been in office, but his approval rating hasn’t decreased more than people’s approval of other things in their lives, including food, traffic, weather, ect.  For example on August 12, 2010 US citizens had a 64 percent approval rating for Kit Kat as a candy bar.  When Obama took office, Kit Kat had an 82 percent approval rating as a candy bar.    

Some reasons that people are unhappy currently are: they are broke, world issues, divorce, and social issues such as: abortion, gay marriage, and immigration. 

The highest approval rating President John F. Kennedy ever had in office was 80 percent on March 13, 1962.  That sounds great, but that approval rating is inflated.  John F. Kennedy’s approval rating wasn’t that high.  The only reason it was recorded as 80 percent was because it was the 60’s and people were happier then and everybody essentially approved of everything.  In the 60’s, things were groovy, people were traveling to space, love was free, and there was a lot of civil rights and social progress being made.  In the 60’s cockroaches had a 39 percent approval rating, there was not much people in the 60’s didn’t like. 

So when you are analyzing presidential approval ratings and job performance you need to need to factor in how happy or content the people of that decade were, because some decade’s people are chipper and some decade’s people are pouty.

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Paul the psychic octopus received death threats after his soccer world cup predictions became true.

August 7, 2010 Leave a comment

Paul the psychic octopus received death threats after his soccer world cup predictions became true.

Paul the psychic octopus received death threats after his soccer world cup predictions became true.

Paul the psychic German octopus was 100% accurate in his prediction of the outcomes of eight world cup games in 2010.  However, when Germany won matches that the German octopus predicted Germany would win, fans from other countries got angry because they thought the octopus jinxed the matches.  The octopus has since received death threats,  from Non-Germans and Germans (the Octopus predicted that Germany would to lose to Spain).  Some of the death threats the octopus received include, people saying they want to turn Paul in sushi, “we want Paul for the pan’, “All you need is four normal potatoes, olive oil for taste, and a little pepper(from an Argentinean newspaper)”, “throw him in the shark tank”, people singing anti-octopus songs, and invitations for Paul to attend seafood festivals.        

That is so dumb, that is just like the groundhog Punxsutawney Phil getting death threats for predicting that there will be six more weeks of winter.  Punxsutawney Phil and Paul the octopus aren’t really predicting anything they are just walking around and people are interpreting what the animals are predicting.  It is not like the animals gave a written statement of their prediction or nodded their head when they hear what people said their prediction was.   

When PETA heard about the death threats they demanded that the psychic octopus be set free in protected ocean waters by the south of France where people don’t take soccer so seriously.  But that is dumb; first there are many predators in the ocean by the south of France including: barracudas, moray eels, and great white sharks.  I don’t know why someone would think that an octopus born and raised in captivity for two years could live longer in the wild than it could in captivity, even with captivity having crazy revenge seeking soccer fans running around. 

In captivity, the octopus has access to top quality veterinarians, who can treat a wide variety of aliments.  In the wild, Paul has no medical coverage.  And if Paul tried to get help from another octopus in the wild, the other octopus would probably try to eat him.    

Also Octopuses only live for about three years, and since Paul is already two years old, he really only has about a year left. 

Usually when something has one year to live it is terminally ill.  In an octopus’s case it is fit as a fiddle and has its good years ahead of him.

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Entering the witness protection program to get rid of outstanding debts.

July 5, 2010 2 Comments

Entering the witness protection program to get rid of outstanding debts.

Entering the witness protection program to get rid of outstanding debts.

If I am ever in over my head in debts. I’m not going to get rid of those debts the dumb way by filing for bankruptcy, that would kill my credit.  I am going to get rid of those debts the smart way, by entering the witness protection program.  It’s not hard to enter the witness protection program, all you have to do is go down to the police station and give them a convincing story, “Look I was in this trial two years ago and the mafia is out to get me!”

That is all you have to do.  The government should have to take care of your outstanding loans and debts, because they have to sever every tie to your name.  Then boom say goodbye to bad debts, and say hello to Las Vegas, a fake mustache, and a new last name from your favorite character on television.

Filed under Business, Culture Tagged with , , ,

Romeo and Juliet, letters mailed to Juliet

June 5, 2010 Leave a comment

Romeo's dirty poems, Romeo and Juliet

Romeos dirty poems, Romeo and Juliet

 

Over 5000 letters are mailed every year to Juliet from Romeo and Juliet.  The letters usually ask Juliet for relationship advice and are addressed to Juliet, Verona, Italy.

I don’t know why people want to get relationship advice from Juliet.  Juliet killed herself a minute after finding out her husband was dead.

I am not saying that if your significant other passes away, that you can’t kill yourself.  Killing yourself is bad.  But if you do kill yourself, you should at least wait until after your spouse’s funeral, before you do it.  That way you can show up to the funeral, give their mom a hug and speak after the eulogy.  

Juliet should have also put off killing herself so that she could help clean out Romeos apartment.  Romeo probably had some embarrassing stuff in his room that he didn’t want anyone to find, like a crate of dirty poems.  Lord and Lady Montague don’t want to find a crate of their son’s dirty poems the same week that they lose their son.  Losing a son and finding your son’s stockpile of dirty poems in the same month is too much pain for any parent to go through.  It is the spouse’s job to destroy all of their significant other’s embarrassing stuff if they pass away.  One of the benefits of being married is that you won’t die alone.  The other benefit is that if you do die your friends and family will never find any of your erotic stuff, Grey’s Anatomy fan fiction, and home videos of you playing games with your cat.

Filed under Books, Culture Tagged with , , ,

Why McDonalds Happy Meal toys suck

May 4, 2010 1 Comment

Why happy meal toys aren't cool anymore.

Why happy meal toys arent cool anymore.

 

Do you ever wonder why you don’t see commercials for Happy Meal toys anymore? That is because today Happy Meal toys suck! Happy Meal toys used to be one of the best parts about being a kid. Today, however, in reaction to numerous lawsuits and child safety movements; McDonalds has decided to make their toys safer. There are no longer cool happy meal toys like: cars that shoot out sparks or robots that launch rockets.

Today you are lucky if you get a toy cow in your Happy Meal. Because if you did get a toy cow, it will only be a couple of months until McDonalds took that toy cow off the market, under fears that kids will choke on the toy or get seizures from the cow’s crazy color patterns.

The last toy that McDonalds will include in a Happy Meal before the Happy Meal toy is discontinued will be a white plastic ball, because that is the toy that is the least susceptible to lawsuits. A plastic box is almost as safe as a plastic sphere, but the box has all of those pointy corners.

Safer happy meal toys actually injure more people than safe ones.  Those extra-safe happy meal toys keep kids safe when they are young.  But when the kids grow up, they aren’t as equipped for dealing with the dangerous things in the real world.  Sure those unsafe happy meal toys of the past resulted in a few cuts, burnt hands, and poked out a few eyes.  But the kids who survived were smarter, tougher, and stronger.  People need to realize that they can’t have it both ways.  Either the happy meal toys hurt us, or the real world hurts us.

It is predicted that in the year 2050, the addition personal injuries caused by kids not playing with dangerous happy meal toys and therefore not learning to be cautious when dealing with the real world will cost society $102 billion dollars a year through increased personal injuries.

The government should step in and fix the problem by issuing cap guns and cars that shoot sparks to every kid in the nation.

Filed under Culture, Food Tagged with , , , ,

Air Guitar vs. Guitar Hero

April 18, 2010 1 Comment

Air Guitar vs. Guitar Hero

Air Guitar vs. Guitar Hero

I feel sorry for air guitarists.  People used to think that air guitarists were the best fake guitar players out there.  But, now when people want to enjoy fake guitar, they turn to Guitar Hero.

That’s too bad; Air Guitar had a good 500-year run where it was the most popular form of fake guitar on the planet.  It had an even longer run if you include air violin and air harp.   But, I think Guitar Hero is better than Air Guitar because it has winners and losers.  In Air Guitar, people make hand gestures and any winning or losing that happens is just in their head. 

Even though Guitar Hero is better than Air Guitar, I still think we should preserve Air Guitar.  The best way to preserve Air Guitar is to treat it like an endangered species, and set up habitats.  Air guitarists would flourish in these habitats, because the habitats would be free of Air Guitar’s natural predators: Guitar Hero, public ridicule, and mirrors.  Or maybe it would be more effective to put Air Guitar on the endangered cultures list.  The endangered cultures list makes it illegal to poach the cultures on the list or to profit by mocking the culture.  It worked well for theScone(the pastry).  Scones were ignored almost to extinction during the 1950s, because of the glazed doughnut.  Today scientists predict that there are two million scones in theUnited States.  That is up from the 1970s, when there were less than 50,000 scones in theUnited States. 

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George Washington vs. George W. Bush

March 18, 2010 1 Comment

George Washington vs. George W. Bush

George Washington vs. George W. Bush

I feel sorry for George Washington. For a brief period of time, he was the most famous George in the world.  Today when people hear George, the first person they think of is George W. Bush.   George Washington has joined the list of famous accomplished people who have become the second place to something lame.  Julius Caesar used to be the most famous Julius in the world. Now when people hear Julius the first thing they think of is Orange Julius.

When people hear the name Malcolm, they used to think of one of the strongest black leaders of all time.  Now when people hear Malcolm the first thing they think of is the TV show Malcolm in the middle.

The reason that George Washington is no longer the most famous George in the world, is because there were about twelve billion additional people born between 1800 and now.  It’s hard for George Washington to compete with all those Georges, George products, and stories and remain on top.

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The reality of vampires

February 20, 2010 3 Comments

Entering your home, Vampires vs. Jehovah’s Witnesses

Entering your home, Vampires vs. Jehovah’s Witnesses

People watch Twilight and True Blood and they think that vampires are cool, hot, and suave. 

Vampires are nothing like that, vampires are just old people.  If you think your grandparents were stingy because they lived through the great depression, vampires on average have lived through four depressions.  If a vampire ever takes you out to dinner; don’t order a meal over ten dollars, unless you want to completely stop the conversation and get dirty looks for the rest of the night.  Vampires don’t like to spend money on food because they don’t work.  All they do is sleep all day long.   They just leech off the rest of us and suck us dry.            

Vampires are also boring to talk to.  All they talk about is blood, talk about a one-track mind.  I usually can only take about 14 minutes of that, before I suddenly become late for a dental appointment.  

You know how Jehovah Witnesses show up to your door and try to convert you.  Vampires are just like that.  All they care about is turning you.  Fortunately with vampires, they have to ask you before they can enter your house.  Jehovah Witnesses can just barge right in. 

Movies and books hold vampires to such a high standard, they always shown them wearing fine Italian clothing and living in extravagant mansions.  People never think about a vampire and visualize them shopping at Wal-Mart or renting a one bedroom apartment, but that is actually closer to the truth; because it’s hard holding down a job when you’re a vampire.  Not only do you have to work the night shift, but everyone at your job always thinks your high with your red eyes. 

Vampire: “I am not high, vampires genetically have red eyes. Actually it’s more of a curse than genetics.  But I mean come on, curse, genetics… it’s the same thing.  Are you going to tell me someone with attached ear lobes isn’t cursed?”

Vampire families are totally dysfunctional.  We might have issues with siblings, parents, or step parents, but at least we are related.  Vampire families are made up of totally random people they decided to bite (or turn) over the years.  Vampires don’t have blood relatives like you and me.  They just say they have blood relatives because they like puns.    

Our “human” family disputes aren’t so bad when you think about it, because humans only live about 90 years. Vampires live a long time, maybe forever.  Would you rather have a fight with your mom for 40 years or 400 years?

A vampire’s apartment

A vampire’s apartment

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Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

February 19, 2010 1 Comment

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore.  I used to believe that Santa Claus lived at the North Pole and that he brings gifts to millions of kids around the world on Christmas. 

Now that I am older, I know what Santa Claus really is; a lobbyist for the coal industry.

Every year millions of kids receive coal for Christmas.  Those kids would not have purchased or received coal if it weren’t for Santa.  Through Christmas, Santa Claus has increased the world consumption of coal by 78 percent.  I am not saying that Santa Claus was invented by the coal industry to sell coal.  That’s just crazy.  But, I do think that Santa Clause is deep in the coal industry’s pocket.   

How else do you think Santa Claus is able to afford working only one night a year and support his expensive hobby of reindeer breeding? 

Over the years, Santa Clause has made coal a common household item, through subliminal advertising and tricky marketing gimmicks, of placing presents and coal together.

There is no reason for Santa Claus to give kids coal for Christmas.  Not only is coal a nonrenewable natural resource, but it increases the carbon dioxide concentrations in our atmosphere. 

I don’t know why Santa doesn’t give naughty kids bottles of ethanol for Christmas instead of coal.  Both coal and ethanol suck as gifts.  But, at least ethanol is a renewable resource. 

Ethanol vs. Coal

Ethanol vs. Coal

Filed under Business, Holiday Tagged with , , ,

Why do rich people collect antiques?

February 6, 2010 2 Comments

Second-hand items rich people vs. poor people

Second-hand items rich people vs. poor people

I don’t understand why rich people buy and collect antiques.  Didn’t antique collectors have older brothers or sisters growing up?  Aren’t they sick of getting hand-me downs?

I think rich people buy and collect antiques, because they never got hand-me downs growing up.  Rich families just went out and bought new stuff and got rid of the old stuff for a tax deduction when it wore out.   

Rich people collect antiques to try to fill that void in their lives that comes from.

1.  Getting new stuff year after year.

2.  Never getting old used clothes from your cousins or neighbors.

3.  Never having to sleep on your siblings old mattress.

4.  Never owning furniture that creaked like an old Boat or wobbled like a kid riding his first bike.      

Poor people don’t have quite the same thirst for antiques.  We got our fill of used hand me down stuff growing up.  When poor people have to choose to wear to school either a ten-year-old shirt or a shirt that didn’t fit them, that situation doesn’t exactly scream lets buy used stuff when I grow up.

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