World without Coke

Coke holds its drink formula as a trade secret. The formula is locked in a safe and is only known by a handful of people at any given time.

That is so stupid. It would just take one freak accident or disaster and the formula to make Coca-Cola could be lost forever. Billions of cases of Coke are sold every year. Not having Coke for people to drink is not an option.

That is why we need the government to step in and force Coke to patent its drink formula. If Coke is patented, mankind will retain the knowledge of how to make Coke forever.
We can’t lose the formula for Coke; it would be like losing a species of animal.

If a species of bird or mammal was about to go extinct, the government would immediately step in and make sure that it doesn’t happen.

Right now Coca-Cola is on the verge of extinction and the government plans on doing nothing; even though the vast majority of people consider losing Coca-Cola more devastating than losing eight rare bird species.

The United States economy needs Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola is part of the United States infrastructure like airports. Our current GDP and rate of GDP growth is only possible because of our air transportation and Coca-Cola infrastructure. A workforce that has access to Coke can produce more goods and services than a work force that does not have access to Coke.

If the Coca-Cola formula was lost and US workers were forced to switch to Pepsi, economists predict that it would take 12.7 million more workers and two major technological breakthroughs to maintain the same level of productivity.

Economists also estimate that in a world without coke, American households on average would need to earn $2,000 more a year and have one less in-law to maintain the same standard of living.

Relationships in medical dramas

I feel bad for patients on medical dramas like Grey’s Anatomy. Not only do the patients have serious medical illnesses; but the doctors in the show, who the patients are relying on for help, have relationship issues with each other in about every other episode.

If I was a patient on the show and Dr. Meredith Grey told me that I had a 50/50 chance of living. I would ask her, “was that a 50/50 chance before or after Dr. McDreamy and you got into a huge fight and you became an emotional train wreck.”

Guinness World Records and steroids

Every year people set new Guinness World Records or break old ones. Currently most Guinness World Records do not test challengers for steroid use

I think Guinness World Records are only legitimate if the challengers are tested for steroid use, where a positive result results in disqualification.

Breaking 80 eggs with your head in a minute is impressive, but anyone can do that if they are hopped up on steroids.

The same thing is true for non-athletic events such as “largest hamburger (590 pounds)” and “most people with mustaches in a single gathering (1,133)”.

When you allow people who use steroids challenge world records, you set inflated or unrealistic numbers.

In 2008 a group of people in Ireland broke the world record for “most people dressed as Smurfs in one place (1,253)”. I bet 18 of those 1,253 people were on steroids. If those 18 people were not on steroids, chances are only 1,242 people would have showed up dressed as surfs.

Without the increased endurance and the roid rage that the steroids provide, some of the people on steroids would of just stayed home and watched TV instead. The record would have an additional two less people, because two of the 1,253 challengers dressed as smurfs were recruited by people on steroids, and without the steroids; the recruiters would have not been persuasive enough to get the people to participate.

1,253   People dressed as smurfs
-       9    People on steroids who would of stayed home
-       2    People who would only have be recruited by people on steroids
1,242    True record set for “most Smurfs in one place”

We need to ban steroid use in Guinness World Records, because it gives people who use them an unfair advantage and people keep setting records that are not attainable through natural methods.

Glitter never goes away

If you ever use glitter or come into contact with glitter, you know that it never goes away.  It is basically just like radioactive waste, it has a huge half-life.

You can imagine that the glitter factories are just covered in glitter from use. Unfortunately, once these factories are done making glitter, they can’t be converted to another use because the spilt glitter and the remains of glitter explosions in the factory will never go away.   So the glitter factories essential have to be buried underground when they are done being used so that the glitter doesn’t spill out and contaminate people or the environment.

Black Friday shopping

Unfortunately on Black Friday, a few people usually die from being attacked or trampled by other shoppers. Because of this, many people think that it is dangerous to shop on Black Friday.

I don’t agree with this. On average, one person dies everyday while shopping in the US. And on Black Friday, there are about ten times as many shoppers than there are on a normal day. So although more people die on Black Friday, the deaths per shopper is actually lower your average shopping day.

The Miami Heat and the Lord of the Rings

People should cheer for the Miami Heat, the Miami Heat are the good guys. They are just like the Fellowship from the Lord of the Rings. Except for, instead of being assembled to destroy a ring, they were assembled to get a ring. Sauron the “Celtics” and Saruman the “Lakers” both want the ring for themselves and it is the Fellowship’s mission to make sure they don’t get it.

Some people think that the Heat aren’t the Fellowship because they lost the 2011 NBA Finals and because the NBA players are currently in a lockout. But that is just the second act, things always look their worse at the end of the second act. At the end of the Two Towers Frodo didn’t have the ring of power and was captured by the enemy.

But the third act of the Lord of the Rings is called The Return of the King, and that is when King James is going to reclaim his Kingdom.

Government action to help the collectibles market.

During the 2007 recession, the government bailed out the stock market by: cutting interest rates, taking over companies too big to fail, and starting bank TARP programs.

Bailing out Wall Street is great for stock owners, but is sucks for people who invested outside of Wall Street in collectibles such as: Star Wars figurines, Faberge eggs, and Cabbage Patch dolls. Those owners have received little to no alleviation from the Federal government in response to the falling collectible values during the recession.

The federal government never took any toxic beanie babies assets off the market to help unfreeze the stuffed animal collectibles market.

The government never made it a requirement that third parties perform audits on eBay listings to make the information more reliable for investors.

The government never passed a first-time Faberge egg buyer credit, to help reduce the supply of Faberge eggs in the sellers market.

Leaving money to your pets

People who are single sometimes leave money to their pets in their will. Unfortunately if you leave money in your will to your pet, the potential heirs always challenge your mental state, saying that you were not of sound mind when you made the request of “fluffy gets half of everything.”

The law views pets as property, so if you plan on leaving property to property, legal people think you are crazy.

Example: “I want my coffee pot to have my Mallrats DVD.” = crazy

I think more people would leave money to their pets in their will, but don’t because they don’t want other people talking about whether or not they were crazy after they die. It is hard to have a good funeral for yourself when the people in the congregation are splitting time between thinking about fond memories of you and thinking of any memories that prove that you were mentally insane.

That is messed up. If you leave $3,000 to your pet when you die, your sanity is reviewed and you can be determined to be mentally unsound. But if in your estate you leave: a baby toupee, your ex-wife’s wedding dress, and a UFO detector to people, no one will ever review your sanity after death and you are determined to be sound as a pound.

United Nations’ diplomatic envoy

People thought that we would be living on the moon by 2020.  But that probably won’t happen, because the United Nations passed a stupid Moon Treaty.

The Moon Treaty essentially states that no individual or organization can own land on the moon.  The Treaty was made so that countries wouldn’t fight each other over moon assets or resources.

That is dumb.  There are some people who would want to live on the moon, but don’t because they can’t own the land.  The Moon Treaty is delaying the settlement of the Moon.    I think that the United Nations should offer free land to the first 80,000 moon settlers.  People currently aren’t too excited about living on the moon, that is why we need to use free land as door busters to get people into the store.

But, the United Nations (UN) will never give out free land to the first moon settlers.  The UN doesn’t want people living on the moon.  The United Nations enacted the moon treaty so that no one would live and the moon and that way the UN wouldn’t have to send ambassadors and peacekeepers to the moon to straighten out conflicts.  Sending one group of UN peacekeepers or ambassadors to the moon is basically a third of the UN’s budget for the year.

Laser battles in the future

In science fiction books and movies, when people have battles in the future they shoot lasers at each other.  I am confused by this because currently people use lasers for cosmetic procedures such as: Lasik, hair removal, teeth whitening, and skin regeneration.

So when I imagine these futuristic laser battles, I am picturing that many of the soldiers are killed by laser fire, but that some of the soldiers shot by lasers actually walk away from the battle looking better, either with whiter teeth or more desirable skin.