Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

February 19, 2010 1 Comment

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore.  I used to believe that Santa Claus lived at the North Pole and that he brings gifts to millions of kids around the world on Christmas. 

Now that I am older, I know what Santa Claus really is; a lobbyist for the coal industry.

Every year millions of kids receive coal for Christmas.  Those kids would not have purchased or received coal if it weren’t for Santa.  Through Christmas, Santa Claus has increased the world consumption of coal by 78 percent.  I am not saying that Santa Claus was invented by the coal industry to sell coal.  That’s just crazy.  But, I do think that Santa Clause is deep in the coal industry’s pocket.   

How else do you think Santa Claus is able to afford working only one night a year and support his expensive hobby of reindeer breeding? 

Over the years, Santa Clause has made coal a common household item, through subliminal advertising and tricky marketing gimmicks, of placing presents and coal together.

There is no reason for Santa Claus to give kids coal for Christmas.  Not only is coal a nonrenewable natural resource, but it increases the carbon dioxide concentrations in our atmosphere. 

I don’t know why Santa doesn’t give naughty kids bottles of ethanol for Christmas instead of coal.  Both coal and ethanol suck as gifts.  But, at least ethanol is a renewable resource. 

Ethanol vs. Coal

Ethanol vs. Coal

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Piano wire… the new duck tape?

February 6, 2010 Leave a comment

Other uses for piano wire

Other uses for piano wire

CIA agents use Piano Wire to choke people.  Fisherman use piano wire to hunt for sharks and other big fish. 

I have a question.  Does anyone actually use piano wire for… I don’t know pianos?

People treat piano wire like duct tape, a fix all for everything. “Have a problem, hey just use some piano wire.” 

That is good for piano wire manufacturers.  Because without the other uses for piano wire; piano wire manufacturers would have gone out of business 25 years ago with the increased use of digital keyboards.

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Food products and their one-sided food descriptions

February 6, 2010 Leave a comment

Food products and their one-sided food descriptions

Food products and their one-sided food descriptions

A lot of people feel good when they read the nutritional information on the back of their food products: “Unleashes the power of Avocados”, “Helps reduce the Risk of cancer”, “All natural with no added ingredients.”  These phrases sound nice and can really give your day a boost.  However, when you read the benefits of eating a certain food product, you have to bear in mind.  That out of the thousands of things the company could have said about their product; those were the best.

I think it should be federal law that if a company advertises the advantages of eating their product on the back of the box, that they should also have to include the disadvantages of eating their product.  Examples of some disadvantages of eating some foods are: “Hinders Growth”, “May cause puking”, “Product is a by-product”, “If you eat more than five servings of product within a 24 hour period please consult a physician.”    If the bad and the good information are both included on the back of the box; then it will help people better gauge the cost benefit relationship of buying the food product.  “It’s $2.89, increases my eyesight, but animals experienced side effects during testing.”   “It’s $3.74, has 135 percent of my daily required Vitamin C per serving, but it says it may cause dizziness.” 

If companies don’t want to include the disadvantages of eating their product with the advantages, then I think it is fair that companies only included mediocre or neutral information on the back of the box like: “Contains Food”, “Food transported by truck”, or “Food”.

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Why did E.T. go home?

February 6, 2010 Leave a comment

E.T. went home for financial reasons.

E.T. went home for financial reasons.

At the end of the movie E.T., E.T. went home in his spaceship. The kid in the movie was really sad about this. I don’t know what the kid was so sad about. What did he think was going to happen?

E.T. isn’t from earth. E.T. lived on a far distant alien planet, where he probably paid into some form of alien social security and has a pension. Did the kid really think that E.T. was going to turn his back on all that money?

E.T. paid into that alien Social Security system because he expected to receive a benefit, because one of these days E.T. is going to be old. When that happens, those alien Social Security checks are going to look a lot more appealing than Reese’s Pieces and bike basket rides.

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Greek mythology’s bureaucratic structure makes it hard to get divine help.

February 5, 2010 5 Comments

Greek Mythology’s bureaucratic nature.

Greek Mythology’s bureaucratic nature.

 

Greek mythology is a bureaucracy: Ares the god of war, Athena the goddess of wisdom, Aphrodite the goddess of love.  The Greek gods have very specific job titles and union or godly rules that make it so that each god only does work within their job description, whether: it is love, war, wisdom, ect. 

That is a very cumbersome and confusing way to deliver divine requests.   You could spend two hours at the temple of Aphrodite in line with your love problem, finally get to the front, and then find out that your problem is actually a wisdom problem and not a love problem and that the temple of Athena is the only place where you can solve your problem and that the temple of Athena is clear across the city. 

It is also lame asking Greek gods or goddesses for help if they are lazy and unmotivated, because they might try to give you the runaround when you ask them for assistance.

Example:  You ask a Greek god for help and he tells you that it is not his department.  Then he transfers you to another god, the new god refers you to a different god, and that god recommends you talk to the first god you talked to.

That’s why I like Christianity, no matter what your problem is, you always go to the same person; not to mention all the convenient locations located across the world.

It’s tough running a nation when you worship a lot of gods.  Greek Mythology has about thirty major gods.  If your nation practices Greek Mythology, you are looking at thirty days off a year minimal, just for religious holidays. 

Historians believed that Roman Emperor Constantine converted to Christianity in 337 AD to cut down the Roman religious holidays from thirty to two. 

 

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Why employee theft is good

January 14, 2010 1 Comment

Employee theft and employee turnover

Employee theft and employee turnover

 

I don’t know why people are against employee theft.  Employee theft is good.  I would have left my job months ago, if there weren’t excellent employee theft opportunities as part of my overall compensation package. 

If an employee steals from his company or organization, that is then an incentive for the employee to work there longer.  That then decreases employee turnover for the company.  Sometimes the cost of replacing an employee can be two to three times the employee’s salary.  Employee theft saves companies billions of dollars every year with decreased employee turnover, increased productivity, and increased efficiency.

But it is difficult to promote employee theft at work.  You can’t just give your employees bonuses for stealing, because if employees have more money, they will be happier and have less of an incentive to steal.

The best way to promote employee theft is to treat your employees bad, pay them worse, and leave lots of large unprotected boxes out in the open.  But companies and organizations aren’t the only ones that benefit from employee theft; employees benefit too.  They have all this cool stuff lying around their homes.

           

*Warning:  Employee theft conflicts with good morals, and may result in termination and or legal action.

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The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

January 3, 2010 Leave a comment

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The all natural organic food movement is really bad for Willy Wonka’s candy business. It’s hard to market your candy as all natural when it comes out of a giant factory with huge smoke stacks and all of the factory workers are discolored midgets.

The public story is that the Oompa Loompas came from Loompaland, which is a region of Loompa in the Pacific Ocean. But the real story is that the Oompa Loompas are just people from Brooklyn who found out that some side effects do last forever.

There is no way that Willy Wonka’s candy is all natural: three-course-dinner gum that turns you into a giant grape, fizzy-lifting drinks, and the gobstoppers that never run out of flavor.

In order for Willy Wonka to make candy that has those effects; the candy has to be loaded with so many chemicals, additives, and preservatives; that they make hot dogs look like they are freshly grown.

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Canadian currency vs. US currency in rap music videos

January 2, 2010 1 Comment

United States changes look in new currency

United States changes look in new currency

 

In 2008, the United States dollar was worth less than the Canadian dollar.  It’s going to be a sad day when rap music videos show more people hauling around briefcases full of Canadian currency over American currency. 

Rappers already have music videos where they carry around Euros over US dollars.  But, that makes sense though, because the Euro kind of sounds like the gyro sandwitch, which is a very tasty.  Many investors flock to the Euro because it sounds so good.

I don’t know why US rappers have been flocking to the Euro since the decline of the US dollar.  Some rap lyrics say that cops are always after them and there are guns everywhere.   In that kind of world, do you really need to hedge you cash against declines in currency? 

If US currency was named the “chicken sandwich” or the “BLT” instead of the dollar, I think that the value of the US dollar would rise, because everybody likes those sandwiches and all those sandwiches are worth more than a dollar.

Another way to increase the value of US currency is to change the name from the dollar to the ten dollars.  More people would want to buy the US ten dollars currency over the US dollar currency because it sounds more valuable.  The increase in value in the ten dollars currency would be short lived, when people find out that it is the same thing. However, it is Un-American to not do something that benefits you in the short term regardless of the long term consequences.

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Polygamy just doesn’t work

January 2, 2010 Leave a comment

Polygamy just doesn’t work

Polygamy just doesn’t work

Polygamy just doesn’t work.   There are many people in the world that live in poverty, which is very sad.  Unless you are a polygamist, if you’re a polygamist and you live in poverty; that is just common sense.  If you have four wives and don’t feel any sort of financial pressure, then you are either high out of your mind or asleep in a deep coma.

It’s bad news to hear that wages aren’t keeping up with inflation. But that news is always just a little bit worse for polygamists.  Polygamists were in deep water before, now they are in deep water and they left the stove on at home.

There is always a girl out there who has the idea of having a polygamist relationship with a couple of husbands and having the husbands work for her.  But, it just doesn’t work like that.  Guys are like male hamsters.  If you put two male hamsters in the same cage, they kill each other.  And the hamster that is left alive is always the one that you didn’t want to keep.

I feel bad for polygamists; everybody always refers to their homes as polygamist ranches.  Polygamists are offended when they hear this and think, “I know you people think we’re animals, but could you not call our home a ranch.  Animals live on ranches.  Why can’t we get the same respect as Amish people and have people refer to our homes as villages or communities.

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Axe, Tag, and Bod colognes banned in some schools

January 2, 2010 Leave a comment

Axe, Tag, and Bod colognes banned in some schools

Axe, Tag, and Bod colognes banned in some schools

 

Some schools have banned students from using colognes such as Axe, Tag, and Bod. 

The schools have banned students from using cologne because other students were complaining that their classmates were putting on too much cologne.  Some students put on excessive amounts of cologne because they thought that would make them cooler or appeal more to women.  Other students put on excessive cologne to cover up their smell from not taking showers.  Some students actually developed asthma because they were surrounded by so much cologne. 

This is going to make it harder to market cologne to people in the future.  It’s going to be tough marketing to guys telling them that they want to be the guy with the asthma inhaler who has tons of girls with asthma inhalers going crazy over him every time he puts on AXE cologne.

A way to solve the cologne problem in our schools would be to set up classrooms to have both cologne and non-cologne seating.  “Excuse me teacher, I specifically asked to be seated in the non-cologne seating section.”

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