Gregg Williams' new football strategy.

The NFL is currently reviewing the defensive culture of pro football teams and the bounty programs that the Saint’s and Washington Redskin’s had. These bounty programs offered teammates money for hits that knocked opposing players out of games or hurt opponents.

Hopefully the NFL’s defensive review will help make the NFL safer and more fair.

Unfortunately, I know that the NFL is just going to use this defense review as an excuse to suspend James Harrison indefinitely from the NFL; just like how the U.S. used 9/11 as an excuse to invade Iraq.

After the NFL Defense review is over and the fines and penalties are issued, it is going to change the way defensive coaches talk to their teams forever. The defensive coaches are still just going to tell their players to rip the opponents’ ACL’s apart like a plate of ribs or to treat the opposing quarterback’s helmet like a piñata. But the coaches are going to talk about it in code, so don’t get in trouble for it and so they can still preserve the NFL’s image and integrity.

I am guessing defensive coaches will either use Navajo code talkers, baseball hand signals, or give their defensive players decoder rings; that way when the coaches tell their players in code to take out the opponents’ knees or do a headshot, no one is the wiser.

The real dangers in the Hunger Games universe.

In The Hunger Games, 12 districts or communities have to offer up two kids as tribute to the capitol every year for a fight to the death. I don’t know why everyone in the districts makes such a big deal about this.

The towns that these people live in basically have technology and medicine from the 1800’s.

Although it is sad that each district loses 2 kids to the hunger games each year, each district probably loses 14 kids every year to Tuberculosis, Cholera, and Pneumonia. They shouldn’t even call the book series The Hunger Games.

They should just call it “Tuberculosis” because Tuberculosis affects the community more. I think the Hunger Games is more of a sub plot to the main plot of a world that has a terrible Healthcare system.

After Wal-Mart upgraded their stores, they actually had declining sales; they lost their low price image with customers because their stores looked nicer.

I love that, Wal-Mart made their stores better and it actually hurt their business.

Most consumers are hurting these days and want to pay the lowest price possible. If you are in a store and you are not scared or embarrassed to be there, you are probably not paying the lowest price possible. That is what Wal-Mart lost. Shopping at Wal-Mart used to be “walking in on someone in the bathroom” embarrassing, but now with the new remodeled stores, it is more “having spinach stuck in your teeth” embarrassing.

Currently “Dollar Store” sales are doing great and Dollar General is opening over 600 stores in 2012. That is because their stores are still embarrassing and scary to be in which gives them a great low price image.

If Wal-Mart wants to reclaim their low price image, they should just try sweeping their store floors less, start carrying off brand clothing, and start downgrading stores. Instead of opening a newly constructed store, they should just move into an old abandoned building and buy florescent lights that flicker on and off, to trick customers into thinking they have entered the seventh circle of hell.

Do Vegetarians Have Better Sex?

PETA claims that Vegetarians have better sex than meat eaters. They say this is true because vegetarians weight less on average and have more sexual energy and stamina from eating more nutritiously.

I don’t buy that. There is no way that vegetarians have better sex than meat eaters.

The vegetarian food pyramid had a bean and legume food group which suggests that vegetarians should two to eat three servings of beans a day. There is no way that having sex with someone who eats three servings of beans a day is more fun than having sex with someone who is 7 pounds overweight and has less sexual potency.

PETA should definitely put an asterisk next to the phrase “Vegetarians have better sex”. That states results differ if vegetarians eat beans or asparagus 48 hours prior to sex.

World without Coke

Coke holds its drink formula as a trade secret. The formula is locked in a safe and is only known by a handful of people at any given time.

That is so stupid. It would just take one freak accident or disaster and the formula to make Coca-Cola could be lost forever. Billions of cases of Coke are sold every year. Not having Coke for people to drink is not an option.

That is why we need the government to step in and force Coke to patent its drink formula. If Coke is patented, mankind will retain the knowledge of how to make Coke forever.
We can’t lose the formula for Coke; it would be like losing a species of animal.

If a species of bird or mammal was about to go extinct, the government would immediately step in and make sure that it doesn’t happen.

Right now Coca-Cola is on the verge of extinction and the government plans on doing nothing; even though the vast majority of people consider losing Coca-Cola more devastating than losing eight rare bird species.

The United States economy needs Coca-Cola.

Coca-Cola is part of the United States infrastructure like airports. Our current GDP and rate of GDP growth is only possible because of our air transportation and Coca-Cola infrastructure. A workforce that has access to Coke can produce more goods and services than a work force that does not have access to Coke.

If the Coca-Cola formula was lost and US workers were forced to switch to Pepsi, economists predict that it would take 12.7 million more workers and two major technological breakthroughs to maintain the same level of productivity.

Economists also estimate that in a world without coke, American households on average would need to earn $2,000 more a year and have one less in-law to maintain the same standard of living.

Relationships in medical dramas

I feel bad for patients on medical dramas like Grey’s Anatomy. Not only do the patients have serious medical illnesses; but the doctors in the show, who the patients are relying on for help, have relationship issues with each other in about every other episode.

If I was a patient on the show and Dr. Meredith Grey told me that I had a 50/50 chance of living. I would ask her, “was that a 50/50 chance before or after Dr. McDreamy and you got into a huge fight and you became an emotional train wreck.”

Guinness World Records and steroids

Every year people set new Guinness World Records or break old ones. Currently most Guinness World Records do not test challengers for steroid use

I think Guinness World Records are only legitimate if the challengers are tested for steroid use, where a positive result results in disqualification.

Breaking 80 eggs with your head in a minute is impressive, but anyone can do that if they are hopped up on steroids.

The same thing is true for non-athletic events such as “largest hamburger (590 pounds)” and “most people with mustaches in a single gathering (1,133)”.

When you allow people who use steroids challenge world records, you set inflated or unrealistic numbers.

In 2008 a group of people in Ireland broke the world record for “most people dressed as Smurfs in one place (1,253)”. I bet 18 of those 1,253 people were on steroids. If those 18 people were not on steroids, chances are only 1,242 people would have showed up dressed as surfs.

Without the increased endurance and the roid rage that the steroids provide, some of the people on steroids would of just stayed home and watched TV instead. The record would have an additional two less people, because two of the 1,253 challengers dressed as smurfs were recruited by people on steroids, and without the steroids; the recruiters would have not been persuasive enough to get the people to participate.

1,253   People dressed as smurfs
-       9    People on steroids who would of stayed home
-       2    People who would only have be recruited by people on steroids
1,242    True record set for “most Smurfs in one place”

We need to ban steroid use in Guinness World Records, because it gives people who use them an unfair advantage and people keep setting records that are not attainable through natural methods.

Glitter never goes away

If you ever use glitter or come into contact with glitter, you know that it never goes away.  It is basically just like radioactive waste, it has a huge half-life.

You can imagine that the glitter factories are just covered in glitter from use. Unfortunately, once these factories are done making glitter, they can’t be converted to another use because the spilt glitter and the remains of glitter explosions in the factory will never go away.   So the glitter factories essential have to be buried underground when they are done being used so that the glitter doesn’t spill out and contaminate people or the environment.

Black Friday shopping

Unfortunately on Black Friday, a few people usually die from being attacked or trampled by other shoppers. Because of this, many people think that it is dangerous to shop on Black Friday.

I don’t agree with this. On average, one person dies everyday while shopping in the US. And on Black Friday, there are about ten times as many shoppers than there are on a normal day. So although more people die on Black Friday, the deaths per shopper is actually lower your average shopping day.

The Miami Heat and the Lord of the Rings

People should cheer for the Miami Heat, the Miami Heat are the good guys. They are just like the Fellowship from the Lord of the Rings. Except for, instead of being assembled to destroy a ring, they were assembled to get a ring. Sauron the “Celtics” and Saruman the “Lakers” both want the ring for themselves and it is the Fellowship’s mission to make sure they don’t get it.

Some people think that the Heat aren’t the Fellowship because they lost the 2011 NBA Finals and because the NBA players are currently in a lockout. But that is just the second act, things always look their worse at the end of the second act. At the end of the Two Towers Frodo didn’t have the ring of power and was captured by the enemy.

But the third act of the Lord of the Rings is called The Return of the King, and that is when King James is going to reclaim his Kingdom.