The reality of vampires

February 20, 2010 3 Comments

Entering your home, Vampires vs. Jehovah’s Witnesses

Entering your home, Vampires vs. Jehovah’s Witnesses

People watch Twilight and True Blood and they think that vampires are cool, hot, and suave. 

Vampires are nothing like that, vampires are just old people.  If you think your grandparents were stingy because they lived through the great depression, vampires on average have lived through four depressions.  If a vampire ever takes you out to dinner; don’t order a meal over ten dollars, unless you want to completely stop the conversation and get dirty looks for the rest of the night.  Vampires don’t like to spend money on food because they don’t work.  All they do is sleep all day long.   They just leech off the rest of us and suck us dry.            

Vampires are also boring to talk to.  All they talk about is blood, talk about a one-track mind.  I usually can only take about 14 minutes of that, before I suddenly become late for a dental appointment.  

You know how Jehovah Witnesses show up to your door and try to convert you.  Vampires are just like that.  All they care about is turning you.  Fortunately with vampires, they have to ask you before they can enter your house.  Jehovah Witnesses can just barge right in. 

Movies and books hold vampires to such a high standard, they always shown them wearing fine Italian clothing and living in extravagant mansions.  People never think about a vampire and visualize them shopping at Wal-Mart or renting a one bedroom apartment, but that is actually closer to the truth; because it’s hard holding down a job when you’re a vampire.  Not only do you have to work the night shift, but everyone at your job always thinks your high with your red eyes. 

Vampire: “I am not high, vampires genetically have red eyes. Actually it’s more of a curse than genetics.  But I mean come on, curse, genetics… it’s the same thing.  Are you going to tell me someone with attached ear lobes isn’t cursed?”

Vampire families are totally dysfunctional.  We might have issues with siblings, parents, or step parents, but at least we are related.  Vampire families are made up of totally random people they decided to bite (or turn) over the years.  Vampires don’t have blood relatives like you and me.  They just say they have blood relatives because they like puns.    

Our “human” family disputes aren’t so bad when you think about it, because humans only live about 90 years. Vampires live a long time, maybe forever.  Would you rather have a fight with your mom for 40 years or 400 years?

A vampire’s apartment

A vampire’s apartment

Filed under Monsters Tagged with , , ,

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

February 19, 2010 1 Comment

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

Santa Claus and the Coal Industry

I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore.  I used to believe that Santa Claus lived at the North Pole and that he brings gifts to millions of kids around the world on Christmas. 

Now that I am older, I know what Santa Claus really is; a lobbyist for the coal industry.

Every year millions of kids receive coal for Christmas.  Those kids would not have purchased or received coal if it weren’t for Santa.  Through Christmas, Santa Claus has increased the world consumption of coal by 78 percent.  I am not saying that Santa Claus was invented by the coal industry to sell coal.  That’s just crazy.  But, I do think that Santa Clause is deep in the coal industry’s pocket.   

How else do you think Santa Claus is able to afford working only one night a year and support his expensive hobby of reindeer breeding? 

Over the years, Santa Clause has made coal a common household item, through subliminal advertising and tricky marketing gimmicks, of placing presents and coal together.

There is no reason for Santa Claus to give kids coal for Christmas.  Not only is coal a nonrenewable natural resource, but it increases the carbon dioxide concentrations in our atmosphere. 

I don’t know why Santa doesn’t give naughty kids bottles of ethanol for Christmas instead of coal.  Both coal and ethanol suck as gifts.  But, at least ethanol is a renewable resource. 

Ethanol vs. Coal

Ethanol vs. Coal

Filed under Business, Holiday Tagged with , , ,

Why do rich people collect antiques?

February 6, 2010 2 Comments

Second-hand items rich people vs. poor people

Second-hand items rich people vs. poor people

I don’t understand why rich people buy and collect antiques.  Didn’t antique collectors have older brothers or sisters growing up?  Aren’t they sick of getting hand-me downs?

I think rich people buy and collect antiques, because they never got hand-me downs growing up.  Rich families just went out and bought new stuff and got rid of the old stuff for a tax deduction when it wore out.   

Rich people collect antiques to try to fill that void in their lives that comes from.

1.  Getting new stuff year after year.

2.  Never getting old used clothes from your cousins or neighbors.

3.  Never having to sleep on your siblings old mattress.

4.  Never owning furniture that creaked like an old Boat or wobbled like a kid riding his first bike.      

Poor people don’t have quite the same thirst for antiques.  We got our fill of used hand me down stuff growing up.  When poor people have to choose to wear to school either a ten-year-old shirt or a shirt that didn’t fit them, that situation doesn’t exactly scream lets buy used stuff when I grow up.

Filed under Money Tagged with , , ,

Should cloning be legal?

February 6, 2010 3 Comments

The downside of cloning

The downside of cloning

Cloning should be outlawed, because it is bad for the next generation of people.  People just like themselves too much.  If people have a choice between cloning themselves or having a kid, what do you think they will do?  This is going to be very bad news if Kanye West decides to clone himself and the clone decides to clone itself for the next 1000 years.  Cloning is also bad because it can cause marital strife.  If you think joint finances are tough to deal with.  That is nothing compared to couples arguing over whether their clone should be of him or her.    

Husband: “I want our next child to be a clone of me.”

Wife: “I want our next child to be a clone of me.  The last three kids we had were clones of you!”

Husband: “Hey I want to see my clones in a barbershop quartet, not be in a barbershop quartet with my clones.”

Bill on cloning in Congress

Bill on cloning in Congress

Filed under Medical, Science Tagged with , , ,

Bibles and spring cleaning

February 6, 2010 Leave a comment

Recycled Paper

Recycled Paper

People give each other bibles for presents and people hand out free pocket bibles to promote Christianity.  By the time you get around to spring cleaning, you can have four or five extra bibles lying around. 

It is tough to get rid of those extra Bibles. 

I always go back and forth on whether or not I can throw away a Bible.  I am a very superstitious person.  I don’t know exactly what happens to someone who throws away a Bible, but I’m pretty sure that it isn’t good.  I think God would be angry if he knew that I threw away an extra Bible, when I didn’t throw away Jesse Ventura’s autobiography I Ain’t Got Time To Bleed, an empty box of Wheat Thins, and a three-year old cat calendar.

Recycling a Bible isn’t better than throwing one away.  If I recycle a Bible, what is to stop that Bible’s post consumer recycled paper from becoming a pink slip or a dirty magazine.  I don’t think that god would be happy if his holy word was recycled and turned into dirty magazines or pink slips.  God is against reincarnation by itself.  If you add in there Christian paper reincarnating into non-Christian paper, that is a double whammy.  

I can’t give my extra Bibles to one of my friends either.  That would be putting them in the same situation I am in right now.  I am not going to trade wrath from God for wrath from karma. 

The easiest way to get rid of extra Bibles is to give them to charity.  It is unfair to put a charity in the same predicament you just got out of, but hey charities are supposed to help people.

Filed under Domestic Tagged with , ,

Piano wire… the new duck tape?

February 6, 2010 Leave a comment

Other uses for piano wire

Other uses for piano wire

CIA agents use Piano Wire to choke people.  Fisherman use piano wire to hunt for sharks and other big fish. 

I have a question.  Does anyone actually use piano wire for… I don’t know pianos?

People treat piano wire like duct tape, a fix all for everything. “Have a problem, hey just use some piano wire.” 

That is good for piano wire manufacturers.  Because without the other uses for piano wire; piano wire manufacturers would have gone out of business 25 years ago with the increased use of digital keyboards.

Filed under Business Tagged with , , , ,

Spelling and texting is tough in Mandarin

February 6, 2010 2 Comments

Texting in Chinese on a cell phone
Texting in Chinese on a cell phone

I am glad that I don’t have to spell, read, or write in Mandarin.  Some of the most complicated characters in the Mandarin language take twenty or more strokes to make.   The most complicated character in the English language is Q and it only takes two strokes to make; one stroke if it is lower case. 

I have trouble spelling words in English, whether a word is spelled with -able or –ible or if the word ends with -an or -en.  Spelling in Mandarin is probably next to impossible, because instead of having 26 characters to choose from, there are over 10,000. 

How do you memorize all of those characters?

If I was spelling in Mandarin, I would constantly go back and forth whether I should use the character that looks like the smashed Christmas tree or the character that looks like a bent track and field hurtle. 

I think the only thing tougher than spelling in Mandarin, is texting in Mandarin.  If you have a cell phone with a 45 button keyboard, how is that supposed to help you text in a language that has 10,000 characters?

Spelling in Chinese

Spelling in Chinese

Filed under Culture Tagged with , , , , ,

Incriminating stories from your co-workers

February 6, 2010 2 Comments

People telling incriminating stories

People telling incriminating stories

I like making small talk with my co-workers.  But I hate it when they tell me incriminating stories about themselves.  I don’t want to hear that.

I don’t want to hear their rationalization about how breaking the law was the right thing to do.  I don’t want to hear about how they took care of all of the loose ends.  There must be other stuff we can talk about, besides the time they could have spent the rest of their life in jail.  The Fifth Amendment exists so that you have the right to remain silent and you don’t have to incriminate yourself.

There are professional sport teams in this state.  Why don’t we talk about those.  Granted the teams are about as stable as a hyperinflationary country, ran by three dictators with different religious backgrounds. 

We can talk about celebrities.  Hey, I’ll talk about the story in People Magazine about Britney Spears dating Warren Sapp, even though the whole story is based on a candid picture of Brittney Spears at a grocery store.

Filed under Law, Work Tagged with , , ,

The womb feeling

February 6, 2010 Leave a comment

Babies have dry skin after they are born.

Babies have dry skin after they are born.

The womb is a great place to be.  The best nine months I ever spent.  It is even better than sex.  I know this, because when people get scared and want to feel good; they get into the fetal position and not the missionary position. 

Babies are shocked after they are born when they get chapped lips and dry skin and realize that the world cold and dry and not warm and moist like in the womb.

Why do people use Chap Stick and lotion on their skin when it is dry or cracked?  Who are these people kidding; they are not in the womb.  No matter how much lotion or palm oil you douse your body with, your skin will never be as lustrous as it was in the womb. 

People should just accept the fact that they are out of the womb and that moisturizing your skin is a tiring and ultimately futile effort, because it is cold and dry out here.  What is so great about being in the womb anyway?  Who wants pruned fingers all day long?

Filed under Medical Tagged with , ,

Winnie the Pooh

February 6, 2010 Leave a comment

Winnie the Pooh is strange

Winnie the Pooh is strange

Many parents like Winnie the Pooh and like it when their kids watch it.  I think that that is strange, because all the characters in the Winnie the Pooh universe or the “100 Acre Wood” are really messed up. 

  1. First you have Winnie the Pooh or Pooh Bear.  Pooh Bear has an obvious substance abuse problem.  The reason Pooh Bear talks so slow, is that he is in a constant state of a sugar crash.
  2. Eeyore is constantly depressed.  Winning the lottery and Paxil would not pull this character out of his deep depressive state.    
  3. Rabbit is the token republican of the 100 Acre Wood who just looks after his garden.  He also watches to make sure that Pooh Bear and the rest of the miscreants in the 100 Acre Wood are living with proper values. 
  4. Tigger is a bad relationship role model for kids because he shows kids that you can have fun playing with your tail all day long.    
  5. Piglet is the only normal guy in the forest, but he has no self confidence.  Who can blame him though, you would be insecure too if you where a guy who had to wear pink all day long.

Filed under Childhood Tagged with , ,

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