February 20, 2010 3 Comments
People watch Twilight and True Blood and they think that vampires are cool, hot, and suave.
Vampires are nothing like that, vampires are just old people. If you think your grandparents were stingy because they lived through the great depression, vampires on average have lived through four depressions. If a vampire ever takes you out to dinner; don’t order a meal over ten dollars, unless you want to completely stop the conversation and get dirty looks for the rest of the night. Vampires don’t like to spend money on food because they don’t work. All they do is sleep all day long. They just leech off the rest of us and suck us dry.
Vampires are also boring to talk to. All they talk about is blood, talk about a one-track mind. I usually can only take about 14 minutes of that, before I suddenly become late for a dental appointment.
You know how Jehovah Witnesses show up to your door and try to convert you. Vampires are just like that. All they care about is turning you. Fortunately with vampires, they have to ask you before they can enter your house. Jehovah Witnesses can just barge right in.
Movies and books hold vampires to such a high standard, they always shown them wearing fine Italian clothing and living in extravagant mansions. People never think about a vampire and visualize them shopping at Wal-Mart or renting a one bedroom apartment, but that is actually closer to the truth; because it’s hard holding down a job when you’re a vampire. Not only do you have to work the night shift, but everyone at your job always thinks your high with your red eyes.
Vampire: “I am not high, vampires genetically have red eyes. Actually it’s more of a curse than genetics. But I mean come on, curse, genetics… it’s the same thing. Are you going to tell me someone with attached ear lobes isn’t cursed?”
Vampire families are totally dysfunctional. We might have issues with siblings, parents, or step parents, but at least we are related. Vampire families are made up of totally random people they decided to bite (or turn) over the years. Vampires don’t have blood relatives like you and me. They just say they have blood relatives because they like puns.
Our “human” family disputes aren’t so bad when you think about it, because humans only live about 90 years. Vampires live a long time, maybe forever. Would you rather have a fight with your mom for 40 years or 400 years?