Modern day sun worshippers

January 31, 2010 Leave a comment

Worshipping the sun and getting a sun tan.

Worshipping the sun and getting a sun tan.

After seeing the movie Zeitgiest, I thought maybe it is time that I start worshiping the sun.  It is confusing though, because there are many ways to worship the sun, it is hard to know if I am doing it right. 

I was wondering, what are sun worshippers supposed to do about tanning?  Are sun worshippers supposed to tan constantly?  Are they not allowed to use sun block when they tan?  Is it sacrilegious to use tanning beds or tanning cream like bronze on? 

Vitamin D is a nutrient people get from the sun.  I was also confused about how sun worshippers treat Vitamin D.  Is it ok for sun worshippers to drink milk or consume foods that are fortified with Vitamin D?  Or are sun worshippers supposed to get all of their Vitamin D from the sun. 

I think tanning is a good way to show your devotion to the sun.  It can take months to build up a proper tan. That’s devotion you can’t fake… except with the tanning cream, that’s faking.

Worshipping the sun comparing now and then.

Worshipping the sun comparing now and then.

Worshipping the sun and using tanning beds.

Worshipping the sun and using tanning beds.

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PDA: Public Display of Affection

January 31, 2010 1 Comment

PDA public display of affection

PDA public display of affection

I am sick of seeing couples with their PDA.  I feel bad enough already that I am not in a relationship.  Now these couples are going to rub it in my face to make me feel worse by showing me how organized and technologically savvy they are. 

It’s kind of hard for me to enjoy myself at the mall, when everywhere I turn, I see couples and their PDA’s or personal digital assistants.  I don’t want to see that.  When I go to the mall, I don’t want to see you scheduling meetings into your PDA.  I don’t want to see you both hunched over the PDA, searching through apps, and steaming up the screen with your busy schedule and extensive social connections; how about you show a little self control and waiting until you get home to do that stuff.  And I am not saying this because I am jealous because I only have a basic cell phone.

Filed under Culture, Technology Tagged with , ,

Earth has more 90,000 percent more cows than tigers living on the planet, proof that natural selection doesn’t work.

January 14, 2010 1 Comment

Natural selection doesn't work

Natural selection doesn't work

 

I don’t believe that natural selection works. There are currently about 2 billion cows living on the planet and about 22,000 tigers. Natural selection states that, “animals which are more fit have a better chance of survival and passing on their genes.”

Since the cows on the planet outnumber the tigers 90,000 to 1, does that mean that cows are more equipped to survive than tigers?

There is no way that a cow is more equipped for survival than a tiger.
1. Tigers can climb trees, cows can’t climb trees.
2. Tigers can jump 11 feet in the air, cows can’t jump over a four foot fence.
3. Tigers can see in the dark and hunt at night, cows sleep at night.

The reason we have more cows than tigers, is people. People poach tigers and farm cattle. The cow or tiger’s environmental fitness or genetic strength doesn’t determine survival, people do. People don’t care how fit or unfit an animal is. We just poach, hunt, eat, or farm any animal we want. That is why I don’t believe natural selection works. Natural selection just doesn’t work when you have people walking around.

I guess excelling in the animal kingdom is a lot like excelling in the business world. It’s not about what you can do, that determines how successful you are, but who you know. And in this case, the reason cows are so successful is that they know people.

Filed under Animals, Science Tagged with , , , ,

Why do people leave around time capsules?

January 14, 2010 Leave a comment

Nobody wants a time capsule.

Nobody wants a time capsule.

Why do people leave around time capsules for future generations?  People in the future aren’t going to want that junk.  You know people actually put floppy disks in time capsules.  What are people in the future supposed to do with that?  If someone left a note on a floppy disk and on a rock, the rock is actually a more relevant way to store data. 

Even if you put DVDs in time capsules, people in the future are still going to make fun of you.  Person from the future, “Look at this guy, he is using an information disk, man life was so primitive before information spheres.”

People put a lot of junk in time capsules.  If you don’t want stuff that’s fine, just throw it away.  But don’t bury the junk in your back yard.  People are usually pretty smart.  But, when people start thinking about time capsules; they don’t act rationally and revert to their basic instincts. 

In the year 2224, the Antique Roadshow will ban people from bringing time capsules on the show to be valued by the appraisers; because by then, time capsules from the 20th century will have been determined to be worthless for over twenty years. 

The only time capsules that people want to find, are the ones filled with money.  The Egyptians got this one right with the pyramids; instead of filling the pyramids with: musical lyrics, newspaper clippings, or personal pictures, they filled them with gold.  The Egyptians also had a better strategy of only putting part of the time capsule underground and then leaving a five hundred thousand square foot pyramid on top of it, to give people a better chance of finding it. 

People leaving around time capsules.

People leaving around time capsules.

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Why employee theft is good

January 14, 2010 1 Comment

Employee theft and employee turnover

Employee theft and employee turnover

 

I don’t know why people are against employee theft.  Employee theft is good.  I would have left my job months ago, if there weren’t excellent employee theft opportunities as part of my overall compensation package. 

If an employee steals from his company or organization, that is then an incentive for the employee to work there longer.  That then decreases employee turnover for the company.  Sometimes the cost of replacing an employee can be two to three times the employee’s salary.  Employee theft saves companies billions of dollars every year with decreased employee turnover, increased productivity, and increased efficiency.

But it is difficult to promote employee theft at work.  You can’t just give your employees bonuses for stealing, because if employees have more money, they will be happier and have less of an incentive to steal.

The best way to promote employee theft is to treat your employees bad, pay them worse, and leave lots of large unprotected boxes out in the open.  But companies and organizations aren’t the only ones that benefit from employee theft; employees benefit too.  They have all this cool stuff lying around their homes.

           

*Warning:  Employee theft conflicts with good morals, and may result in termination and or legal action.

Filed under Business Tagged with , ,

The affect of flu shots on the immune system

January 6, 2010 Leave a comment

Help fighting the flu.

Help fighting the flu.

I am against flu shots because they are bad for your immune system.  The flu shot makes it so that your immune system doesn’t have to work very hard fighting the flu.  If fighting the flu was a boxing match of Your Body vs. The Flu, the flu shot would be like giving your body a hand gun.

The flu shot is good at first, because your immune system gets to beat the flu very fast with minimal effort.  But if you keep getting the flu shot year after year, your immune system gets weak, lazy, and out-of-shape because it doesn’t have work hard to fight the flu year after year.  Pretty soon your immune system groans when it gets out of a chair, watches TV constantly, and is living in its own filth because it refuses to clean up its own bloodstream.     

If you don’t get the flu shot, your immune system stays in good shape, because it knows it has to fight the flu off year after year in hand-to-hand or flagellum-to-flagellum combat and knows that there will be no air support from the flu shot

The flu shot contains dead flu virus in it.  Getting the flu shot every year hurts your body’s domestic industrial capacity to produce dead flu viruses by itself and makes your body more dependent on foreign imported dead flu viruses.   

That is why I am against getting the flu shot year after year.  I would rather have an immune system that is a fit, disciplined, fighting unit that is able to produce its body’s dead flu virus needs domestically, than an immune system that is lazy, out-of-shape, and dependant on getting its dead viruses imported because of short term cost savings. 

The affects of the flu shot.

The affects of the flu shot.

Filed under Medical Tagged with , , ,

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

January 3, 2010 Leave a comment

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The effect of all natural candy on Willy Wonka’s business

The all natural organic food movement is really bad for Willy Wonka’s candy business. It’s hard to market your candy as all natural when it comes out of a giant factory with huge smoke stacks and all of the factory workers are discolored midgets.

The public story is that the Oompa Loompas came from Loompaland, which is a region of Loompa in the Pacific Ocean. But the real story is that the Oompa Loompas are just people from Brooklyn who found out that some side effects do last forever.

There is no way that Willy Wonka’s candy is all natural: three-course-dinner gum that turns you into a giant grape, fizzy-lifting drinks, and the gobstoppers that never run out of flavor.

In order for Willy Wonka to make candy that has those effects; the candy has to be loaded with so many chemicals, additives, and preservatives; that they make hot dogs look like they are freshly grown.

Filed under Business, Movies Tagged with , , , ,

Canadian currency vs. US currency in rap music videos

January 2, 2010 1 Comment

United States changes look in new currency

United States changes look in new currency

 

In 2008, the United States dollar was worth less than the Canadian dollar.  It’s going to be a sad day when rap music videos show more people hauling around briefcases full of Canadian currency over American currency. 

Rappers already have music videos where they carry around Euros over US dollars.  But, that makes sense though, because the Euro kind of sounds like the gyro sandwitch, which is a very tasty.  Many investors flock to the Euro because it sounds so good.

I don’t know why US rappers have been flocking to the Euro since the decline of the US dollar.  Some rap lyrics say that cops are always after them and there are guns everywhere.   In that kind of world, do you really need to hedge you cash against declines in currency? 

If US currency was named the “chicken sandwich” or the “BLT” instead of the dollar, I think that the value of the US dollar would rise, because everybody likes those sandwiches and all those sandwiches are worth more than a dollar.

Another way to increase the value of US currency is to change the name from the dollar to the ten dollars.  More people would want to buy the US ten dollars currency over the US dollar currency because it sounds more valuable.  The increase in value in the ten dollars currency would be short lived, when people find out that it is the same thing. However, it is Un-American to not do something that benefits you in the short term regardless of the long term consequences.

Filed under Business, Music Tagged with , , , ,

The fifth dimension and time traveling

January 2, 2010 Leave a comment

According to string theory there are eleven dimensions.  Right now people only know four: length, width, height, and time.  There are a lot people out there who want to discover the fifth dimension.  But, there is no point in discovering the fifth dimension; because right now we barely understand how to travel through the fourth dimension of time.

You can tell we don’t know how time traveling works.  Because whenever people see a movie with time traveling in it, after the movie, people are always arguing in the lobby over the actual way time traveling works and the fake way that was shown in the movie. 

After a movie people don’t argue over how traveling works in the first three dimensions.  “Oh man that person shouldn’t of been able to turn left.”  “I don’t know how they where able to avoid running into that 3-D object.”  “Hey wasn’t it weird how that car went straight.” 

I don’t think it is dumb that we don’t know how to time travel.  I think it is dumb that we don’t know how to talk about time travel.    

That’s why I don’t think we need to discover the fifth dimension.  We barely understand the fourth dimension.  Just imagine how complicated it would be traveling through the fifth dimension, or at least explaining how traveling through the fifth dimension works. 

Maybe it’s a good thing that we don’t know how to travel through time.  As hard as it is to get someone to understand how time traveling works.  It’s even harder to get someone to understand that they can’t go back in time because they will screw everything up!!  Some heroes say, “But that bad guy went back in time.”  You tell that hero, “NO! I don’t care what that bad guy did.” 

The five dimensions

The five dimensions

Traveling through the four dimensions

Traveling through the four dimensions

Filed under Movies, Science Tagged with , ,

Polygamy just doesn’t work

January 2, 2010 1 Comment

Polygamy just doesn’t work

Polygamy just doesn’t work

Polygamy just doesn’t work.   There are many people in the world that live in poverty, which is very sad.  Unless you are a polygamist, if you’re a polygamist and you live in poverty; that is just common sense.  If you have four wives and don’t feel any sort of financial pressure, then you are either high out of your mind or asleep in a deep coma.

It’s bad news to hear that wages aren’t keeping up with inflation. But that news is always just a little bit worse for polygamists.  Polygamists were in deep water before, now they are in deep water and they left the stove on at home.

There is always a girl out there who has the idea of having a polygamist relationship with a couple of husbands and having the husbands work for her.  But, it just doesn’t work like that.  Guys are like male hamsters.  If you put two male hamsters in the same cage, they kill each other.  And the hamster that is left alive is always the one that you didn’t want to keep.

I feel bad for polygamists; everybody always refers to their homes as polygamist ranches.  Polygamists are offended when they hear this and think, “I know you people think we’re animals, but could you not call our home a ranch.  Animals live on ranches.  Why can’t we get the same respect as Amish people and have people refer to our homes as villages or communities.

Filed under Business, Culture Tagged with , , ,

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