Jello is not a dessert

Jello has trouble fitting in with desserts.

Jello has trouble fitting in with desserts.

I was at a work potluck where everyone brought a dish. I went to the dessert table and to my horror the cookies were gone and there were only two types of Jello dishes left.

Jello is not a dessert. When is the last time you were in a restaurant and ordered Jello?

Customer: What is the Jello of the day?
Waiter: Red
Customer: mmm.. that sounds good, I will have that!

Jello is food for people who don’t have a choice what they eat, so people in hospitals and prisons. If I was incarcerated for breaking the law I would be ok with eating Jello because I am paying for my actions.

But if I am a law abiding citizen or haven’t been caught, I shouldn’t have to eat Jello.

Small kids like it because they don’t know about the world. They think living on the moon is a good idea.

You know the Great Depression was tough, because people came out of it thinking Jello was a real treat. Nobody came out of the Great Recession thinking Jello was a treat.

People with Dentures like Jello because it is easy to chew, it is the exact opposite of corn.

Jello is good for weight loss. I can bake a dozen cookies and eat them in an hour. But Jello takes five hours to make, set, and eat. I much prefer Jello’s five hour binge eating fuse over cookies’ one hour fuse. It gives me more time to change my mind or get caught.

Dinosaur park owners have no business sense

Jurassic Park without carnivores.

Jurassic Park without carnivores.

I hate Jurassic Park movies, they are always full of plot holes. The people who own the dinosaur parks always have no business sense.

They always build these big expensive parks, the parks get overrun by carnivores, and they close it down.

Stop making carnivores! Learn from your mistakes! Don’t make things that eat people. That should be their mission statement. “We don’t make things that eat people.”

People will pay money to see a stegosaurs or a brontosaurus. They don’t even need an island full of dinosaurs. They only need one dinosaur, people will pay to see one dinosaur. And if one dinosaur breaks out, that is a very manageable situation, you place down a couple of cones and grab some nets.

Why do these parks even clone velociraptors or T-Rex? Is the potential twenty percent increase in profits that comes with having carnivores worth the exponentially increased risk that everything is going to fall apart horribly? Making money off dino predators has the same track record as trying to sell limited edition Winnie-the-Pooh collector plates for three times their “market” value ten years in the future. At least with the dino investment your pain is over quickly. With the Winnie-the-Pooh collector plates, you are going to live with that mistake for the rest of your life.

Team Swift issues cease and desist to Etsy sellers

Taylor Swift Etsy

Taylor Swift Etsy

Etsy store owners were selling Taylor Swift themed products. So Taylor Swift’s legal team sent them cease and desist letters because they claimed those Etsy items violated Taylor Swift trademarks.

I’d definitely want to start an Etsy store now and sell Swift themed products. A cease and desist letter is the ultimate Swift collectible. It’s basically the only way I’d ever get Tay Tay to send me a letter.

You could be the president of the local Minneapolis fan club and you would only accomplish getting junk mail from her inconsistently.

I would be angry if I made and sold a bunch of Taylor Swift mugs and purses on Etsy and didn’t get a cease and desist letter. “What the heck, that’s not fair! All those other people got one. I just did all of this for nothin’.”

McDonald’s “Pay with Lovin'” Campaign

McDonald's pay with lovin'

McDonald’s pay with lovin’

McDonald’s has a February marketing campaign “Pay with Lovin’” where McDonald’s customers can win the prize of a free meal if they do a random act of kindness.

I can’t wait until the McDonald’s campaign backfires.

Eventually they are going to come across someone who is a 50 year old orphan.

McDonald’s employee: The price of your meal is to tell your mother you love her.

Orphan 1: I was an orphan, I don’t have a mom.

McDonald’s employee: Ok the price of your meal is to call your girlfriend of wife and tell them you are thankful for them

Orphan 1: I am divorced.

McDonald’s employee: Ok the price of your meal is to tell the person behind you they are great

Orphan 1: You are great.

Homophobic Customer: Don’t ever talk to me again.

Lasers and NRA membership

Science Fiction community and the NRA

Science Fiction community and the NRA

I think we need to have stricter gun control laws. Unless they invent a laser gun. If they invent a laser gun I am going to do a complete 180 and will be defending the second amendment, joining the NRA, and hunting with my laser gun year round.

I am confused when I see laser battles in science fiction movies. Today people use lasers for cosmetic procedures: Lasik, hair removal, teeth whitening, skin regeneration, etc.

So when I imagine these futuristic laser battles, I am picturing that about half of the soldiers hit by lasers are killed. But the other half actually get cosmetic benefits from getting hit and walk away from the battle looking better than when they entered; either without those bulky glasses or with whiter teeth.

Breaking small laws in horror movie The Purge

In the movie "The Purge", small laws are broken too

In the movie “The Purge”, small laws are broken too

The horror movie The Purge is set in a future United States where every year all crime including murder is legal for a 12 hour period. People usually hide in their homes during this period to protect themselves.

In the movie you see a lot of violence, hiding, and people defending themselves. I don’t know why you don’t see people in the movie taking advantage of the situation by breaking some of the smaller laws. If I was in the middle of “The Purge” I would be: downloading torrents, making moonshine, having my dog drive my car, and selling bootleg copies of Pat Benatar CD’s.

How many kids do you need for a reality TV show?

Is having 19 kids reality TV?

Is having 19 kids reality TV?

I feel bad for a lot of parents today, they could have ten kids and they still wouldn’t be guaranteed to have their own reality TV show. Look at TV now, the shows “19 and Counting” and “United Bates of America” both have 19 kids.

In the reality TV world, ten kids is like the Hollywood squares. It was a big deal 20 years ago, but today you need more. If you have a cute show name like John and Kate Plus 8, you can get away with fewer kids. But if your name is Matt Johnson and you have 8 kids, nothing rhymes with that and you will not get a reality TV show.


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