Oreos are a great investment

People will always need Oreos

People will always need Oreos

I have had basically no success investing in the stock market. But having a position in Nabisco in your portfolio just makes a lot of sense to me. Tech companies come and go, but Nabisco will be around for thousands of years because of Oreo. People might not always need Google, but they will always need Oreos.

When I look for a potential investment advisor I always make sure to slyly ask them what they think about investing in Nabisco. If their answer in anything less than recommending a portfolio with a twenty percent position in Nabisco, I walk.

Unfortunately I fear Oreos might be mankind’s downfall because it will bring the aliens down upon us. They will attack us to protect their cookie brands because they fear Oreo would dominate the galactic cookie market and run their cookie brands out of business.

Camels are better than horses for police mounts

Camels better than horses for police mounts

Camels better than horses for police mounts

I think that camels should be used as police mounts.

Criminals know horses. But camels throw them off, they don’t know what they are going to do. Every criminal knows carrots work on horses. But will a carrot work on a Camel? Who knows?

Camels are also mean, bite, and spit all the time so they are more effective at crowd control. No one is going to want to challenge a camel unless they want their hair or hat chewed up.

Camels also provide a good source of work jokes. Man that sergeant is busting our hump.

States with legalized marijuana have an unfair advantage in the NFL

Syncing up with Dark Side of the moon

Syncing up with Dark Side of the moon

The two states that have legalized marijuana both have teams going to the Super Bowl. That isn’t fair. Marijuana gives those teams an unfair advantage just like Gatorade did with the Florida Gators in the 60’s. The Gators won the Orange Bowl in 1966 because they had Gatorade and the other team didn’t.

Marijuana gives teams a level of team unity and comradery that doesn’t exist naturally. Football teams are supposed to be full of hotheads and showboats. But marijuana unites those players like the Von Trapp family or a badass eleven cat Voltron. They stay up together forever detailing the symbolism of SpongeBob or they review game tape obsessively, seeing if it syncs up with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.

Marijuana needs to be legalized in every state so teams have the same access to it. Or the NFL needs to establish team weed caps, so that the league stays competitive. Then if a team breaks their weed cap, they would face a weed cap reduction or be forced to forfeit draft picks.

States with legalized marijuana have an unfair advantage in the NFL.

States with legalized marijuana have an unfair advantage in the NFL.

Action movies, James Bond, and concussions

Next bond movie

Next bond movie

James Bond movies are so fake.

In real life James Bond would have multiple concussions in every movie from fist fights, high speed crashes, and people swinging things at him all the time.

I don’t understand why Q never gives 007 a football helmet or a mouth guard to protect against concussions?

I know these fights and crashes are detailed in the mission reports, because he has a huge ego and likes to brag. “I survived a car chase, my pursuers were permanently cut off.” “I fought four henchmen in Berlin, it was just smashing.”

With all that information, why wouldn’t Q give James Bond a football helmet and a mouth guard? He knows James is repeatedly getting into these scraps. Isn’t preventing concussions more useful than a watch that can cut rope or cuff links that can take pictures?

How is James Bond supposed to disarm the bomb if he is concussed, has coordination issues, and mental disorientation?

Getting rid of tipping

If we stopped tipping in restaurants

If we stopped tipping in restaurants

Lots of people want to get rid of tipping in restaurants because they think it will result in better service or be better for society.

Abolishing tipping is a bad idea. Tipping is one of the few times that people do math. We can’t abolish tipping, we need tipping just to maintain our basic math skills. The US ranks 26th in the world in math. If we get rid of tipping in restaurants, we are going to slip down further.

Tipping also plays an important role in dating. Dating is tough. But if we find out that our date is a bad tipper, it becomes infinitely easier. Why would we want to get rid of our ability to sniff out and banish bad tippers? That information is more useful than anything you could find out about them on facebook, in a background check, or in their garbage can.

Only a bad tipper would bring up getting rid of tipping. I am a bad tipper. But for the sake of society and a better world, I want to preserve tipping and accept the backlash I receive.

Skyrim, animal furs, and PETA

Skyrim, animal fur, PETA

Skyrim, animal fur, PETA

In the game Skyrim, characters can only get bland colored clothing. There are no purple, blue, or red cloth because there is no clothing dye. The only way to accent your character’s gear is to use animal furs and skins.

I am not an animal rights activist, but that just isn’t fair to the animals. There are nine kingdoms in Skyrim. None of them specialize in dye? Can’t they find another way to jazz up their outfits without using animal skins? Aren’t there any designer labels or bags they can use to make their character stand out?

I love that the wizards in Skyrim can cast fireballs and lightning bolts, but when it comes to using magic to change the colors of clothes, that is impossible and against the principles of magic. They can close a dimensional gate, but can’t make a brown shirt purple.

Bad things in flu shots

Bad things in flu shot

Bad things in flu shot

Many people are against flu shots either because of health concerns, the extra stuff added to the flu shot, or the government conspiracy theories involving tracking devices and mind control.

I think this is a good year to get a flu shot. I heard that the chemicals, tracking devices, and mind control agents in this year’s flu shot are a lot milder than they were in previous years.
Usually the mind control agents are strong and make you support the banking system or cover up the existence of the illuminati. But this years mind control agents, just make you want to buy a Prius.

So if it is a mild flu season and you are thinking that the flu shot isn’t worth it, remember that the tracking devices and mind control agents in the flu shot are also milder so it is worth getting.

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