Pondering Stuff

I am against flu shots. Getting a flue shot or the flu vaccine is the same as giving your antibodies hand guns. If your antibodies have hand guns, the flue is no problem; the antibodies just blow the flu away if it ever shows up.

That is good at first, but if you keep getting flu shots year after year, your antibodies get lazy and out-of-shape because their hand guns make it so that they don’t have to exert much effort to fight the flu. Pretty soon the antibodies are groining when they’re getting out of chairs, watching TV constantly, and living in their own filth because they refuse to clean up their bloodstream.

If you don’t get the flu shot, your antibodies stay in really good shape because they have to fight the flu off year after year in hand to hand or flagellum to flagellum combat. They stay ripped and know hard work because they fight the flu with their bare hands year after year.

I think people should not get the flu shot year after year. I would rather have antibodies that are a fit, disciplined, well-cohesive fighting unit; then antibodies that are out-of-shape, lazy, gun-wielding maniacs.

I don’t understand why people buy and collect antiques. Didn’t antique collectors have older brothers and sisters growing up? Aren’t they sick of getting hand-me downs?

I think rich people buy and collect antiques, because they never got hand-me downs growing up. Rich families just went out and bought new stuff and got rid of the old stuff for a tax deduction when it wore out. Rich people collect antiques to try to fill that void in their lives that comes from: getting new stuff every year, never getting your cousins or neighbors old clothes as a substitute for new clothes, never having to sleep on your siblings old mattress, and never owning furniture that creaked like an old Boat or wobbled like a kid riding his first bike.

Poor people don’t have quite the same thirst for antiques. We got our fill of used hand me down stuff growing up? In the morning, when you had to choose to wear to school either the shirt from ten years ago or the shirt that doesn’t fit. That situation doesn’t exactly scream lets buy used stuff when I grow up.

In movies Vampires are shown to be attractive and suave. Vampires are nothing like that, besides that fact that some vampires are over 600 years old. Vampires can’t see themselves in the mirror, so how are they supposed to be keeping up their appearances?

Vampires are basically just old people. If you think your grandparents were stingy because they lived through the great depression. Vampires on average have lived through four depressions. If a Vampire ever takes you out to dinner; don’t order a meal over ten dollars, unless you want to completely stop the conversation and get dirty looks for the rest of the night. Vampires don’t like to spend money on food because they don’t work. All they do is sleep all day long. They just leech off the rest of us and suck us dry.

Vampires are also boring to talk to. All they talk about is blood. I mean talk about a one-track mind. You know I get it, you like blood. I usually can only take about 14 minutes of that, before I suddenly become late for a dental appointment.

You know how Jehovah witnesses show up to your door and try to convert you. Vampires are just like that. All they care about is turning you. Fortunately vampires have to ask you before they can enter your house. Jehovah witnesses can just barge right in.

Vampires are held up to such a high standard. Movies and books portray Vampires as refined elegant killers; who wear Italian clothing, and live in extravagant mansions. You never hear about a Vampire shopping at Wal-Mart or renting a one bedroom apartment with a roommate, but that is closer to the truth. It’s hard holding down a job when you’re a vampire. Not only do you have to work nights, but everyone at your job always thinks your high with your red eyes.

Vampire: “I am not high, vampires genetically have red eyes. Actually it’s more of a curse than genetics. But I mean come on, curse, genetics… it’s the same thing. Are you going to tell me people with attached ear lobes aren’t cursed?”

The vampires that do live in fancy mansions and perform world-conquering spells every 500 hundred years when the planets are perfectly aligned should be treated no differently than the vampires who bag your groceries at the local grocery store. Do you think that vampires enjoy living up to their parents’ legacy?

Vampire families are totally dysfunctional. We might have issues with siblings, parents, or step parents. But Vampire families are made up of totally random people they decided to bite (or turn) over the years. Vampires don’t have blood relatives like you and me. They just say they have blood relatives because they like puns.

Our “human” family disputes aren’t so bad when you think about it, because humans only live about 90 years. Vampires live a long time, maybe forever, who knows. Dracula is still kicking and he has been around since the crusades. I also saw a sci-fi movie set in the year 3000 and Dracula was a character in it. So who knows how long vampires live. The point is, for Vampires that is going to mean a lot more family Christmases getting questioned by your mom and a lot more of your sister’s boyfriends that you don’t agree with.

Cloning should be outlawed, because it is bad for the next generation of people. People just like themselves too much. If people have a choice between cloning themselves or having a kid, what do you think they will do? This is going to be very bad news if Kanye West decides to clone himself and the clone decides to clone himself for the next 1000 years. Cloning is also bad because it can cause marital strife. If you thought whether or not the baby was a boy or girl was a big deal. That is nothing compared to couples arguing whether their next child should be a clone of him or her.

Husband: “I want our next child to be a clone of me.”
Wife: “I want our next child to be a clone of me, the last three kids we had were clones of you!”
Husband: “Hey I want to see my clones in a barbershop quartet, not be in a barbershop quartet with my clones.”

I hate it when people give me bibles for presents or when people hand out free pocket Bibles.

Because when it comes time for spring cleaning and how am I supposed to get rid of all of those extra Bibles. I always go back and forth on whether or not I can throw away a Bible. I am a very superstitious person. I don’t know exactly what happens to someone who throws away a Bible, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t good. I think that God would be angry if he knew that I threw away an extra Bible, when I didn’t throw away Jesse Ventura’s autobiography I Ain’t Got Time To Bleed, a year old calendar, and an empty box of Wheat Thins.

I am guessing that if you throw away a Bible, the amount of wrath that you would incur would be an around having your dog run away or having your favorite TV show canceled.

I can’t give my extra Bibles to one of my friends either. That would be putting them in the same situation I am in right now. I am not going to trade wrath from God for wrath from karma. Because it only takes about two hours for that new Bible novelty to wear off. After that, you spend the rest of your life thinking about how to get rid of it.

CIA agents use Piano Wire to choke people. Fisherman use piano wire to hunt for CIA agents use Piano Wire to choke people. Fisherman use piano wire to hunt for sharks and other big fish.

I have a question. Does anyone actually use piano wire for… I don’t know pianos?

Some people treat piano wire like duct tape, a fix all for anything. “Have a problem, hey just use some piano wire.”

That is good for piano wire manufacturers. Because without these other uses for piano wire, piano wire manufacturers would have gone out of business 20 years ago because of digital keyboards.

I don’t believe in Santa Claus anymore. I used to believe that Santa Claus lives in the North Pole, and that once a year, brings gifts to millions of kids around the world.

Now that I am older, I know what Santa Claus really is; a lobbyist for the coal industry.

Every year millions of kids receive coal for Christmas. Those kids would not have purchased or received coal if it weren’t for Santa. Through Christmas, Santa Claus has increased the world consumption of coal by 78 percent. I am not saying that Santa Claus was invented by the coal industry to sell coal. That’s just crazy. But, I do think that Santa Clause is deep in the coal industry’s pocket.

How else do you think Santa Claus is able to afford working only one night a year and support his expensive hobby of reindeer breeding?

Over the years, Santa Clause has made coal a common household item, through subliminal advertising and tricky marketing gimmicks, of placing presents and coal together.

There is no reason for Santa Claus to give kids coal for Christmas. Not only is coal a nonrenewable natural resource, but it increases the carbon dioxide concentrations in our atmosphere.

I don’t know why Santa doesn’t give naughty kids bottles of ethanol for Christmas instead of coal. Both coal and ethanol suck and are bad presents. But, at least ethanol is a renewable resource.

I am glad that I don’t have to spell, read, or write in Mandarin. Some of the most complicated characters in the Mandarin language take 20 or more strokes to make it. The most complicated character in English is Q and it only takes two strokes to make; one stroke if it is lower case.

I have trouble spelling words in English, whether a word is spelled -able or -ible, -an or -en. Spelling is in Mandarin is probably next to impossible, because instead of having 26 characters to choose from, there are over 10,000. How do you memorize all of those characters? When spelling, I would go back and forth whether I should use the character that looks like the smashed Christmas tree or the character that looks like a bent track and field hurtle. You know you are going to have trouble being literate in a language if the letters look like Rorschach ink blots to you.

The only thing I think that is tougher than spelling in Mandarin, is texting in Mandarin. Even if you had a 45 button keyboard, how are you supposed to use that to help you pick between 10,000 characters?

I like making small talk with co-workers. But I hate it when they tell me incriminating stories about themselves. I don’t want to hear that.

I don’t want to hear their rationalization about how breaking the law was the right thing to do. I don’t want to hear about how they took care of all of the loose ends. There must be other stuff we can talk about besides the time when they could have spent the rest of their life in jail. The Fifth Amendment exists so that you have the right to remain silent and you don’t have to incriminate yourself.

There are professional sport teams in this state. Why don’t we talk about those. Granted the teams are about as stable as a hyperinflationary country, ran by three dictators with different religious backgrounds.

We can talk about celebrities. Hey, I’ll talk about the story in People Magazine about Britney Spears dating Warren Sapp, even though the whole story is based on a candid picture of Brittney Spears at a grocery store.

The womb is a great place to be. The best nine months I ever spent. It is even better than sex. I know this because when people get scared and want to feel good; they get into the fetal position and not the missionary position.

Babies are shocked when they are born and they realize that the world cold and dry and not warm and moist like in the womb. Shortly after a baby is born, the baby has chapped lips for the first time.

Babies cry over this because they never had chapped lips in the womb. The baby had pruned fingers, but never chapped lips.

Why do people use Chap Stick and lotion on their skin when it is dry or cracked? Who are these people kidding; they are not in the womb. No matter how much lotion or palm oil you douse your body with, your skin will never be as lustrous as it was in the womb.

People should just accept the fact that they are out of the womb and that it is cold and dry out here. What is so great about being in the womb anyway? Who wants pruned fingers all day long?